


Homeshrek Magica

by Calicornia



Category: Homestuck, Shrek
Genre: Chapter one was written in 2013, F/M, I'm sorry if I forgot any important plot elements from it, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-11
Updated: 2016-04-12
Packaged: 2018-02-28 23:58:02
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 27,435
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2751962
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Calicornia/pseuds/Calicornia
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Shrek is in the middle of his scene phase when his life suddenly changes forever.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Begining

Shrek was a young, plump teenager. Just entering high school, wanting to fit in- the normal shit. He dragged his pathetic ogre body along through the first two trimesters, getting made fun of for being an ogre at a troll/human school. This made Shrek feel like, well lets just say, he had no more layers. Not like an onion, all washed up and dead. But one thing changed Shrek's childhood forever.

"Okay class!" said the teacher, Gendo Ikari, "Turn to page 47 of your Religion text books and read about how I caused the third impact and created this wonderful world!" Shrek reluctantly went to page 47, and sighed at the globs of text staining his vision. Shrek gained a headache from all this staring, or maybe it was because he was in his scene 'phase' (fuck u mom and dad, Shrek thought) and his eyeliner was getting into his eyes. Shrek fell into his textbook and passed out.

"H3Y SHR3K? 4R3 YOU 4LR1GHT?" A voice awoke dear Shrek, it sounded like someone was sanding the speakers ass as they spoke. Shrek peeled his eyes open like an onion. A teal-blooded troll girl stood before him, she was wearing the school uniform, but it was dirty as fuck from some red substance.

"Who are you?" Shrek asked.

"1'M T3R3Z1 PYROP3, 1 S1T R1GHT N3XT TO YOU 1N R3L1G1ON YOU SH1TFUCK." The troll girl said.

"Oh... Sorry I can't see past my hair." Shrek admitted.

"TH4T'S UND3RST4ND4BL3, S331NG 4S 1T'S JUST 4 L4RG3 TR14NGL3 ON YOUR GODD4MN H34D." Terezi giggled a bit, "BUT 1'M ST1LL PR3TTY OFF3ND3D." This made Shrek feel even worse.

"Look, Terezi, I'd prefer to be alone right now. I'm just not feeling alright and it's nice you came in to check up on me bu-"

"YOU TH1NK 1 C4M3 1N TO CH3CK UP ON YOU THAT'S H1LAR1OUS. 1'M BL1ND 4ND 1 JUST BUMP3D 1NTO TH3 NURS3S OFF1C3 4ND R3COGN1Z3D YOUR SC3NT." Terezi was practically bawling from laughter. Shrek decided, he loved her from the second she came in here. After school ended, Shrek went to walk home with Terezi and she told him everything about how she got blind. Who did it, Why, How, and When. The holy quad. Shrek spoke up as Terezi finished speaking.

"Wow this Vriska person sounds like a real bitch." Shrek said.

"Y34H SH3'S 4 R34L B1TCH." Terezi said to Shrek, "BUT SH3'S MY K1SM3S1S SO 1'M TH3 ONLY ON3 4LLOW3D TO TH1NK TH4T. ALSO MY HOUS3 1S R1GHT H3R3, BY3 SHR3K." Shrek watched as the cute troll girl walked into her house, she was a strange one. Especially since she t-four-lk-three-d l-one-k-three th-one-s, but he learned her talking quirk quickly. Shrek walked home with a massive boner, as Terezi was very boner inducing. Yes very cum and boner. Bouncy tit haha. After a mile or two, Shrek came home and found his adoptive brother, Donkey, making waffles.

"DONKEY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING IT'S 6 PM!" Shrek shouted at the incompetent farm animal.

"MY BREAKFAST STARTS NOW SHREK, AND SO DOES YOURS." Donkey slammed the finished waffles on the table.

"DON'T WE HAVE SOMETHING ELSE TO EAT?"

"N-no..." Donkey said, all ashamed like. He knew why Shrek hated waffles but Donkey loved them. He practically masturbated to them.

"Fine Donkey, I'll eat your God damned waffles." Shrek took a bite, and Shrek thought of his father, on the onion fields. He was weeping. Weeping with ogre, weeping with onions, weeping, weeping, weeping. And as Donkey's waffles found the place in Shrek's mouth where the taste buds are, he knew at last what the tenth layer was. The tenth layer, was him. Shrek arose all magic-like, and thus begun his magical girl transformation. Layers and layers of skirts and blouses covered him. Ten each. He spun around with a ribbon as the clothes appeared on him.

"OH SHIT!" Donkey screamed as he was blasted by onions into a wall. He was KO'd! Shrek descended and picked up his brother to check his pulse. Donkey's heart seemed to beat to the beat of Bad Romance. Shrek's onion belt shot out a hologram. It was his teacher, Gendo Ikari.

"Shrek! You've realized your powers! Congratulations!" Gendo said, and a bunch of other Neon Genesis Evangelion people joined him.

"OKAY I GET IT!" Shrek yelled, "BUT HOW DO I GET OUT OF THESE CLOTHES, IT'S SO UNSCENE."

"Once you defeat Dragon."

"CAN'T YOU PICK SOMEONE DONKEY ISN'T BANGING???"

"Hey I don't make the rules! Plus she's a witch!" Gendo said, "Also all that anger is gonna fill your soul gem with grief! T-that happened to my son, Shinji. Right after he made a contract. Poor Shinji." Shrek remembered his contract, he wished for Donkey to die after a ttly edgy fight with him. He remembered that Kyubey said that it'd arrive late, as in a few months because of all the new magical girls. Shrek started to regret his decision, but he must be strong. Must be strong for Terezi.

"Okay," Shrek said, "take me to Dragon magical onion powers!"

"That's not how they work, Shrek." Gendo said, "You get powers based on your wish."

"Shut the fuck up, Gendo." Shrek said. It took Shrek nine hours to get to Dragon the witch, and she'd already killed hella people. Shrek took in a deep breath, and dived into her barrier. It was a castle, which brought Deja Vu to Shrek. Almost as if he was there in another life, as a noble prince.

"SHREK LOOK OUT!" Gendo yelled from Shrek's crotch. Shrek leaped into the air and saw Donkey with his head turned upside-down was under him. Gendo yelled out another line of dialogue: "SHREK IT'S A MINION KILL IT!" Shrek grabbed an onion from his sack and threw it. It exploded and blasted Shrek back. Onion grenades. Shrek picked himself up and ran. He found a bunch of other Donkey clones with broken necks, and threw another grenade. Shrek was in there for around three hours, or it felt like it. Soon he reached a bed at the highest point of the tallest tower. Shrek saw someone was lying in the bed, and he nearly screamed at what he saw. It was the dead body of Terezi Pyrope, holding a grief seed. Shrek's Belt started to vibrate and a hologram shot out.

"Oh Shrek about that um, didn't we tell you that the Dragon witch was Terezi??" Gendo said nervously.

"NO! WHY TEREZI? WHY IS SHE A WITCH?" Shrek cried out, "WHY!?"

"Well, when a magical girl gets too sad she ,um, becomes a witch. Well anyways you have to move from her dead body and find her witch soon y'know?" Shrek thought of his Terezi, in the school hallway. He was weeping. Weeping with ogre, weeping with onions, weeping, weeping, weeping. And as his mouth found the place on Terezi's check where the freckles are, he knew at last what the tenth layer was. The tenth layer, was him. Shrek bolted out to the courtyard of the tower, where he found a giant, white glowing dragon with red eyes. The witch, what's left of his sweetheart, Terezi. Shrek threw a grenade right at her face, and she blocked it with her wings.

"WHY 4R3 YOU TRY1NG TO HURT M3 SHR3K?" Terezi's voice rang fresh in Shrek's head.

"I'm sorry Terezi... I must do it... Gendo's orders..." Shrek pulled the biggest onion out of his cape and leaped right into the face of the witch. First, there was nothing. Then, there was also nothing. And then the grenade denoted and destroyed the witch and her barrier. Shrek lay there, with no hope, but he must continue on.

* * *

Shrek was having a hard time coping with the death of Terezi.  
    "You literally knew her for four hours get over it." Gendo said while rolling his eyes behind his unfashionable glasses.  
    "I cannot get ogre Terezi!" Shrek said, "I 'm not gonna waste my time explaining it to you, you're not a scene teen you fucking Incubator!"  
    "Hey that's just the name of my species, I'm not gonna call you a 'fucking ogre' when you are one where's the fun in that?" Gendo giggled like a mixture of a school girl and a hearty old man. "Also I hate to break it to you, but Terezi's grief seed only has one more use- meaning you have to kill another witch soon. Unless you want to become one yourself..." Shrek then thought of his father, and decided to carry on.  
    "Okay, Gendo, where's the next witch?" Shrek busted out in confidence.  
    "Shrek I can't always be hanging over your shoulder, or  to be more literal, be a shining ray coming out of your.. er... crotch area." Gendo transformed into his incubator form, Kyubey. "When a witch is near, your soul gem will vibrate. Note: This is not an invitation to stick it up your ass for pleasure, that may or may not kill you. Anyways, I gotta recruit some more hormonal teenagers, goodbye and good luck!"  
    The hologram gave out for the final time, and Shrek never felt lonlier. No Donkey, no Terezi, no dad, no Gendo (but Shrek still had him for Religion)... Nothing left but Shrek. As Shrek was running to school with an onion in his mouth, he saw a troll boy who was scene, just like Shrek. Shrek felt hope in his heart, he may get a scene friend if he tried to talk to him. Shrek approached him, preparing the most scene greeting any ogre can muster.  
    "XD XxXHelloXxX Do you liek wafflez? o_0?" Sherk hymned out, the troll boy looked unimpressed.  
    "GO AWAY SCENIE, I AM EMOKAT VANTAS." The troll said, "YOU FUCKING SCENE KIDS HAVE RUINED THE REPUTATION OF US EMOS." Emokat got up and started to walk away, and Shrek noticed he had a silver ring on his finger, a soul gem.  
    "Wait Emokat!" Shrek yelled, and everyone else at the school entrance looked at him, "You have a soul gem!" Emokat flipped around with such gutso that everyone but Shrek swooned and passed out.  
    "HOW DO YOU OF ALL FUCKING OGRES KNOW WHAT THAT IS." Emokat was yelling, well louder than normally that is.  
    "I-I am a magical girl," Shrek pissed his pants, "so was Terezi... I don't know if you knew her s-she was sorta popul-"  
    "OF COURSE I KNEW TEREZI YOU USELESS FUCK." Emokat reproached Shrek, "SHE WAS MY  BEST FRIEND, AND I COULDN'T SAVE HER FROM BECOMING A WITCH."  
    "Wait if you knew she was a witch, why didn't you help me kill he-"  
    "YOU DID WHAT?"  
    "I-it was Gendo's o-or-orders." But it was too late, Emokat had bitchslapped Shrek. Shrek spat out another sentence, "Why did you do that??" Emokat was now in his magical girl attire, a red crab fursuit.  
    "THIS TOWN AINT BIG ENOUGH FOR THE TWO US US!" Emokat pulled out a gigantic scythe crafted to look like a crab claw. Shrek thought of his father, and prayed he'd have just one more day to eat onions. Emokat brought down the scythe, but he contracted and dropped his scythe. "AAAAAAAAAAAAUGHHHHHHHH." Emokat screamed. Shrek saw Emokat's soul gem, which was on one of his claws, was a deep reddish black. Shrek knew now, must save Emokat! Shrek yanked Emokat's arm into his and used the last of Terezi's grief seed.  
    "Don't worry Emokat, your pain is ogre..." Shrek said as Gendo ran and ate the grief seed out of Shrek's hand. Emokat pushed Shrek away.  
    "GO AWAY, YOU'RE NOT TEREZI!" Emokat was crying le tears. "SHE MOIRAILZONED ME BUT I LOVED HER." Shrek rolled his eyes. 'Moirailzone' was just a shitty reason to be ogre dramatic.  
    "Wwow thanks Kar, thanks for admittin that you lovve that skank and not me." A voice said from behind Emokat. Emokat turned around and started to cry even harder. Harder than Shrek's dick for Terezi. The voice belonged to a purple-blooded troll boy with fins.  
    "E-ERIDAN-SAMA... YOU'RE THE ONE WHO BROKE UP WITH ME..." Emokat sobbed out.  
    "I wwas playin hard to get, Kar, I thought you'd take the hint." Eridan said.  
     "NO I DIDN'T, WHY ARE YOU ATTEMPTING TO PLAY GAMES WITH MY HEART ERIDAN-SAMA? THIS IS WORSE THAN WHEN I DATED ONCELER-CHAN!" Emokat pushed Shrek to the ground and ran off, dropping his soul gem. Eridan picked up Emokat's soul gem.  
    "Wwell this is peculiar... Wwhy'd Kar havve somethin this vvaluable I thought he wwas poor. Hm." Eridan pocketed the soul gem and started to walk away. Shrek thought it would be best for him to go check up on Emokat, he knew he was in bad shape and Shrek thought they could be magical girl buddies if he tried hard enough. Around seventy five meters away, Shrek found Emokat passed out on the ground.  
    "Hey Emokat.. Are you okay?" Shrek poked Emokat's face. No responce. Shrek checked for a pulse. Nothing.  
    "You idiot!" Gendo's voice boomed from behind. "You just let that fucker take away Karkat's soul gem!"  
    "I thought his name was Emokat and why is that important?" Shrek questioned.  
    "It's not called a soul gem for no reason fucknuts! If you want Karkat to live, you have to take the soul gem back to him before it's too late!"  
    "When's too late because I have no idea where the fuck Eridan lives." Shrek said.  
    "Midnight." Gendo said, and Shrek filled with panic.

Shrek ran in the direction Eridan went, but he came to a dead end. Emokat's body was cold in Shrek's arms.  
    "I'm sorry Emokat, I wish I could help..." Shrek said, and he started to walk home. Emokat started to stir as Shrek walked along the beach. Shrek couldn't belive it, they were near Emokat's soul gem, but where was Eridan?  
    "SHREK WHAT THE EVERLOVING FUCK ARE YOU DOING?" Emokat had awoken and thrashed out of Shrek's bara arms. "WHY ARE WE ON THE BEACH, IT REMINDS ME OF-*le sob noise* HIM!" Emokat looked at the ocean. "E-ERIDAN LOVES THE OCEAN, HE FUCKS THE OCEAN, HE IS THE OCEAN." Shrek put his hand on Emokat's back but he just slapped Shrek again.  
    "Emokat, I hate to break it to you but Eridan took your soul gem." Shrek said.  
    "HE FUCKIN DID WHAT??"  
    "While you were having your dramatic leave he stole your soul gem."  
    "FUCKING SHIT THAT ASSHOLE ALWAYS LOVED VALUABLE THINGS." Emokat stood up, "SHREK, WILL YOU FUCKING KILL HIM?"  
    "Woah talk about an overreaction." Shrek decided that he'd 'kill him' meaning that he'd just knock out Eridan so Emokat would be kinda satisfied.  
    "HE NORMALLY SURFS RIGHT OVER THERE." Emokat extended his arm to the rockiest part of the beach, "SO HE CAN APPEAR HARDCORE, BUT HE'S NOT THERE..." During Emokat's speech he noticed his soul gem was glowing. Shrek walked to the ocean and it started to glow brighter.  
    "Emokat, there's a witch in these waters, I gotta go." Shrek said.  
    "AS LONG AS YOU TAKE MY SOUL GEM BACK I DON'T CARE WHERE YOU GO." Emokat turned around. Shrek then dived into the water. It struck him that Eridan might be the witch, and that kinda terrified him. Suddenly, the world changed, he was in a witch's barrier. It still looked like the ocean, but it was pink and there was a lotta coral. Eridan was swimming past Shrek in a speedo.  
    "Stop Eridan!" Shrek magical girl transformed at tackled Eridan. Eridan was screaming like the little brat he was. "Where is Emokat's soul gem!?"  
    "Fuck off Shre! I need to feed the queen of all wwitches!" Eridan kicked Shrek in the onions. "She needs his soul gem so she doesn't destroy all of seadwwellerkind!" Shrek's onions hurt a lot, but he kept holding down Eridan.  
    "E-Eridan Sn-snap out of it!" Shrek coughed out, "We need to team up against this witch! Eventually there'll be no more magical girls and this witch will have killed them all!"  
    "But I'm not a magical girl! Wwhat good am I? P-plus it's Fef."  
    "I don't know who the fuck Fef is but she's fucking dead now you ass. Just get the fuck over it."  
    "..."  
    "Give me Emokat's soul gem." Eridan reluctantly handed Shrek the bright red soul gem. Shrek let Eridan go like the pussy he is. Shrek put Emokat's soul gem in his pocket and started to walk toward the center of the barrier.  
\----  
    Emokat sat on the beach for at least twenty minutes. He'd just about had it with all these magical girl shenanigans, for his wish wasn't even a good one. He could still hear his own voice saying those accursed words.  
    "I WISH I COULD BE A COOL EMO! JUST LIKE THE EMOS AT JOHN'S SCHOOL!" Emokat had said. He was now indefinitly emo for the rest of his life. This eyeliner... was not eyeliner. They are scars on his face. This Botdf shirt? It's a shag of hair hanging off his body. These black and red striped socks? He actually liked those.  
    "I WANT TO GO BACK AND CHANGE EVERYTHING." Emokat said. "I CAN'T EVEN SAY MY OLD NAME ANYMORE. IT BRINGS PHYSICAL PAIN TO MY HEART."  
\----  
    Shrek was running as fast as he could, but the water in the barrier was too thick, and Shrek didn't ever learn to swim. Shrek tripped a few times, and came face to face with a couple minions that looked like salamanders. Shrek wondered why this barrier was so big, but he couldn't dwell on that.  
    "SHREK!" Emokat was running towards him at the speed of a turkey. "SHREK HAVE YOU GOT MY SOUL GEM? I WANT TO FIGHT THIS ASSBITCH WITH YOU!" Shrek smirked and pulled out Emokat's soul gem. Emokat yanked it out of Shrek's hands and raised it up to transform. Emokat was back in his fursuit.  
    "What made you come ogre here to fight with me?" Shrek asked.  
    "I CANNOT WASTE MY TIME AS A MEGUCA. I WISHED FOR THIS AND I MUST FIGHT AS MUCH AS I CAN!" Emokat grabbed Shrek's arm. "AND THIS WITCH, IF SHE IS FEFERI. SHE WILL NOT BE EASY TO DEFEAT, SHE IS THE HIGHEST ON THE BLOOD CASTE." Emokat dragged Shrek along. Eventually after a few salamaners they found Feferi's witch.  
    She was a giant white squid, and by giant I mean like she could be classified as a fucking continent. Wait I'm not supposed to tell this story in first person shit. Shrek went turned the switch on his narrative belt back to third person.  
    "SHREK LOOK OUT!" Emokat yelled, but it was too late, Shrek had been slapped down by one of the tentacles. Emokat ran and sliced it off before it could choke Shrek to death. Another tentacle ripped the head off of Emokat's fursuit. Emokat was now pissed. "NOT MY FURSUIT YOU FUCKING CUNT!" He jumped and spun around, stabbing his sickle into various parts of the witch. She opened her mouth and shoved out a forked tongue, with three points.  
    Emokat was fearing for his life, but he couldn't let Shrek die. Emokat dodged the  tongue the first time, but he slipped and he got stabbed in the stomach. It took all of his energy to cut the tongue off of the witch. She fell and dropped Emokat twenty feet away.  
    "SHREK, NOWS YOUR CHANCE FUCKING KILL HER!" Emokat turned back to his normal form and used his magic to heal his stab wound. "THROW IT IN HER MOUTH!" Shrek picked himself up, but he was very dizzy. He grabbed one of his onion grenades and tossed it. The witch's tentacles formed a barrier almost immediatly around her face. Shrek threw as many as he could, and eventually the witch had no more tentacles.  
    "SHREK THROW ANOTHER ONE!" Emokat yelled. Shrek tried to grab another onion grenade, but he had run out. If he used one more, he'd run out of magic and become a witch too. Shrek knew now, must save Emokat! Shrek bolted into the mouth of the witch and started to throat punch her. "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING ASSHOLE?" Emokat screamed as the witch released a cloud of ink. After the ink cleared, Emokat and Shrek were back on the beach.  
    When Shrek woke up, it was midnight. He was still on the beach, and it was a good sign because the witch had not consumed him. Shrek got up to leave.  
    "HEY ASSHOLE." Shrek turned around and saw Emokat, "I OWE YOU ONE." and Emokat threw Shrek Feferi's grief seed. "YOU SOUL GEM SEEMED PRETTY MURKY BACK THERE I THINK YOU NEED TO PURIFY IT."  
    "But what about you?" Shrek asked, for when he got Emokat's soul gem back from Eridan, it seemed almost black. With that breath Emokat pulled out his soul gem, it was a bright red now.  
    "I ALREADY GOT THAT COVERED. BUT WHATEVER I GOTTA GO HOME SO CRABDAD DOESN'T GET UNNATURALLY PISSED AT ME FOR BEING OUT SO LATE. I'LL CATCH YOU LATER SHREK."  
    "Okay, see you tomorrow Emokat!"  
    "PLEASE, CALL ME KARKAT."  Karkat started to walk away after that. Shrek stayed on the beach for at least 20 more minutes after that.  
    "So boy, seems you've made a friend in the magical girl buisness." Said a familiar voice behind him.  
    "Gendo!" Shrek said, "I thought I was never gonna see you again!"  
    "You have me for Religion you piece of shit."  
    "Yeah but I sleep through that class, but what brings you here?"  
    "Shrek I hate to break it to you, but this is a nude beach. Nude people come here to be free. I have my nude needs too y'know." Gendo turned his head away. "You should probably get away, the nude beachers will burn you alive if you're wearing clothes here, especially if you're wearing that many layers." Shrek booked out of the nude beach. While running home he realized that Eridan goes there all the time according to Karkat. This caused Shrek to have some nightmare inducing thoughts.  
    Shrek walked into his swamp house, and passed out on the couch.  
   

* * *

A month passsed and nothing much happened, he hung out with Karkat during lunch and the passing periods now. They fought some witches together, and split the winnings. It was April Fools day, and Shrek was on the look out for jokes and pranks that may come out. Sadly, nothing happened that day, but Shrek was okay with it kinda. He hadn't seen Karkat in a very long time, and he missed him. Several more days passed, nothing fucking happened. It was April 11, 2099. Since it was Saturday, Shrek had time to relax. His birthday was in eleven days.  
    Shrek heard a knock on his swamp door. He pulled it open and saw nothing other than Karkat Vantas.  
    "HEY SHREK, HOW'S LIFE? THERE'S A NEW MOVIE I WANNA SEE BUT THERE'S NOBODY WHO CAN SEE IT WITH ME. WILL YOU COME WITH ME?" Karkat asked.  
    "Karkat are you asking me out on a date?" Shrek said.  
    "NO YOU FUCKBAKA. I JUST WANNA SEE A MOVIE WITH A FRIEND GOOOOOOOHD."  
    "Okay fine. What's the movie called?"  
    "ATLANTIC RIM. IT STARTS IN LIKE TWO HOURS AND I BOUGHT TWO TICKETS COME ON." Shrek and Karkat started to walk to the movie theater. It was raining so Karkat took out and umbrella and put it over the both of them. Karkat sighed loudly and almost dropped the umbrella.  
    "Is something wrong, Karkat?" Shrek asked.  
    "MY SOUL GEM'S BEEN GETTING DARKER. WE HAVE NO MORE GRIEF SEEDS. I THINK I'M GONNA BECOME A WITCH SHREK." Karkat curled up on the ground. "I JUST WANTED TO DO ONE LAST THING WITH MY BEST FRIEND BEFORE I DIED."  
    "DON'T SAY THAT KARKAT!" Shrek busted out, "FEFERI'S STILL HAS ONE LAST USE." Shrek put the grief seed up to Karkat's soul gem and it went back to the bright red color it once was. "Now, let's go find some more witches, we need to get more seeds." Shrek and Karkat ventured to the most grief inducing place in the world. MIchigan.  
    Since Shrek and Karkat lived in Ohio, the task only took about a few hours. When they arrived in Michigan, they could feel the witches in every asscrack of the state. Shrek began to wonder if he himself was a witch.  
    "Karkat, slap me as hard as you can." Shrek said.  
    "WHY?" Karkat rebounded.  
    "Just fucking do it asshole." Karkat bitchslapped Shrek. Shrek then came to the conclusion that he was not a witch.  
    "OKAY NOW THAT YOU'RE DONE BEING A FREAK. WHERE THE HELL ARE THE WITCHES?"  
    "Karkat didn't you listen to the last thing Gendo told us? Michigan itself is a witch's barrier. The people are the minions."  
    "WHAT THE SHIT MAN. I DIDN'T SIGN UP FOR THIS WHERE THE HELL IS THE WITCH GONNA BE? WE COULD BE TRAPPED FOR LIFE."  
    "I heard she's in Detroit, we need to make a road trip buckle yourself up cowboy."  
    "NEVER SAY THAT SHIT TO ME AGAIN." Karkat got on a bus with Shrek, and they rode to Detroit. Karkat fell asleep twice on the bus, and Shrek felt kinda sorry for him. Everyone seemed to treat him like trash like Eridan and the Onceler did. Just what challenges would Karkat face? He already seemed to feel like shit, and losing happiness in his soul gem pretty fast. Shrek hoped Karkat would find salvation in scene Jesus.  
    Just what witch were they gonna fight anyways? This question either made Shrek nervous or horny, the feelings were impossible to distinguish. Shrek tried to think of other things, like Terezi. What did she wish for? Why did she go into grief? Why her? Shrek decided to ask Karkat.  
    "Hey Karkat." Shrek said as he nudged him awake, "Karkat, Karkat wake up."  
    "WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT SHREK? I'M TRYING TO SLEEP." Karkat groaned out.  
    "What was Terezi's wish?"  
    "I DON'T FUCKING KNOW. TO READ MINDS? THAT'S WHAT SHE TOLD ME, AT LEAST. BUT WHEN I ASKED HER TO READ MINE SHE SAID NOTHING LIKE WHAT I WAS THINKING. I THINK SHE WAS TRYING TO HIDE SOMETHING, OR SHE MADE A WISH SHE REGRETTED." Karkat rolled his back to Shrek. "WHATEVER JUST STOP TALKING I WANNA SLEEP."  
    Shrek looked out the window, there were still miles away from Detroit. Shrek knew that there was probably more than one witch in Detroit, so he was super excited for the influx of grief seeds. Shrek decided to get some shuteye himself, although it was dangerous.  
    When Shrek woke up, the bus had crashed. HIs first thought was to locate Karkat. Karkat was 20 feet away from the wreckage, he had a huge gash of blood on his face and his soul gem was clasped in his hand. It appears he tried to transform, but failed. There was a witch near. Shrek put Karkat on his back and started carrying him.  
    Shrek saw a floating pumpkin with a vagina. The witch. Shrek did not understand shit about this event, but he knew it was a witch, it just had to be. Shrek threw an onion grenade and blew it the fuck up. A grief seed just fell out of the shit fuckin thing. The witches here seemed weak as fuck. Michigan didn't disappear yet, so Shrek figured there was more witches around.  
    The more time that passed, the more worried Shrek got about Karkat. Karkat was breathing, but it was harsh.  Shrek killed another weenie witch, and suddenly the barrier disappeared and they were back on the border of Ohio. Shrek had expected more witches, but two grief seeds were good enough for now. Karkat's soul gem was kinda dark, so Shrek healed him with one.  
    "Hey, fork over those grief seeds assholes!" A booming voice came from somewhere. Shrek shoved the grief seeds in his pockets and pulled out his soul gem. While Shrek was transforming, a dude around his age came near them in a green pimp suit.  
    "Who the Shrek are you?" Shrek asked.  
    "I am the Once-ler, now fork over your grief seeds!" The green pimp said.  
    "Now who gave you the fucking right? I'm just trying to protect myself and my friend."  
    "Hmph,  since it's my first meeting with you, I'll let you slide. But next time, I'm gonna be bad." The Once-ler ran off and Shrek picked up Karkat again.  While Shrek was walking home, he realized something. Karkat was lonely as shit. He dated the fucking Once-ler of all people. Karkat's only friend was Shrek, and Shrek's only friend was Karkat. They were moirails. Shrek dropped the passed out Karkat at Crabdad's doorstep and went home himself.  
    The next week went well. Every day Shrek hung out with Karkat even after school ended, and it was April 18th, four days before Shrek's birthday. That was the day Karkat and Shrek went to go buy Half Life 3, for it finally came out. While walking to GameGo, the Once-ler stopped them in their tracks.  
    "Soooooo bitches, have you gotten anymore grief seeds?" He grinned as he said that.  
    "NO AND FUCK OFF." said Karkat  
    "Oh come on, I know you have them."  
    Shrek decided to chime in, "Actually no we don't." and with that the Once-ler's eyes widened.  
    "Are you serious... I-I used up all mine every time there was just a little smog..."  
    "WHAT THE SHIT ASSHOLE?" Karkat yelled.  
    "I LIKE HAVING SHINY THINGS, OKAY!" The Once-ler yelled back.  
    "YOU WASTEFUL PILE OF SHIT. HOW DARK IS YOUR SOUL GEM?" The Once-ler pulled it out, and it was coated in black. Karkat screamed and pushed him away. "THAT'S BLACKER THAN MY SOUL, SHREK GET AWAY HE'S GONNA GO FULL WITCH."  
    The Once-ler was crying, and Shrek thought of his father, on the onion fields. The Once-ler coughed one last time before looking up at Shrek and Karkat. He whispered them something neither of them would forget for a very long time.  
    "How bad me be?"

    The Once-ler was throbbing, and he inhaled deeply. Shrek was holding Karkat in his arms while he screamed like and asshole, and then the Once-ler did the unspeakable. He stood up with the last of his strength, pulled down his pants and started masturbating. Everyone in GameGo was running away, as the Once-ler's cock was kinda gross.  
    "WHAT ARE YOU DOING ASSWAFFLE?" Karkat screamed.  
    "I'M JUST DOIN' WHAT COMES NATURALLY." The Once-ler replied.  
    "DUDE SICK!" Karkat yelld. "YO SHREK LET'S FUCKING BOUNCE AND LEAVE THIS WEIRDO TO HIS STRANGE SHIT." but then, the Once-ler came so hard he became a witch. The barrier looked a lot like a forest, but overrun by factories. His minions appeared to be little fuzzy orange old men. The Once-ler was a strange, strange man who was not to be fucked with. As for the Once-ler himself, he looked the same except his head was a truffla puff, and his hands were axes. Shrek felt a warm trickle of water come down from Karkat, it was either tears or pee. It was hard to tell, since troll fluids all look the same.  
    Shrek ran as one of Witch-ler's axes came down and cut off most of his hair. Shrek had no time to remorse. He dropped Karkat and they both started to transform. But the Witch-ler stopped in time. Shrek was perplexed and he looked over at Karkat, who had a face that looked like he hadn't taken a shit in days. He probably hasn't but that wasn't the point. Point is the Witch-ler wasn't even trying to move. Shrek trembled in fear as hands grabbed both him and Karkat, and they were practically yanked out of the barrier.  
    Shrek and Karkat looked around, the could see the barrier that contained Witch-ler right infront of their eyes, but someone was holding them back. Shrek turned around and saw the face of a red-blooded troll girl behind him.  
    "D0 y0u even kn0w what y0u're getting int0?" The troll girl said, "That's the g0ddamn 0nce-ler, he was the str0ngest magical girl. His witch is pr0bably g0nna be t00 str0ng f0r y0u t0 handle."  
    "WHAT DO YOU KNOW ARADIA?" Karkat said, "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU DO JACKSHIT AS A MAGICAL GIRL."  
    "That's because I just g0t back fr0m Calif0rnia. I was fighting the witches there. S0me 0f them were crazy as fuck lemme tell y0u."  
    "WELL TOO BAD ME AND SHREK ARE THE BEST MAGICAL GIRLS AROUND. AINT THAT RIGHT SHREKY?"  
    "No, we suck horribly." said Shrek.  
    "FUCK YOU TOO ASSHOLE." Aradia smirked at this. She released Shrek and Karkat.  
    "Well fine, if y0u're such g00d magical girls h0w ab0ut a c0mpetiti0n? Y0u and 0gre b0y here against me?"  
    "FINE, BRING IT BIT-" and Karkat was whipped like a naughty girl by daddy without the sexual kinkiness. "AUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGH." Shrek had snuck up behind Aradia in this amount of time, but she was too quick, she froze Shrek and he had to watch as Karkat got whipped again. Aradia had literally burnt Karkat's ass off. Shrek was reminded that they were like right outside of GameGo as he saw someone leave with the last copy of Half Life 3.  
    "NOOOOOOOOOO!" Shrek yelled, and he broke the time barrier with the force of a thousand naked old ladies.  
    "I d0n't belieb it." said Aradia as she was knocked out by an onion grenade.  
    "Come on Karkat, let's ditch this popsicle stand." Shrek started to run, but he saw Karkat standing over Aradia. "Karkat, what the fuck are you doing?"  
    "WE CAN'T JUST LEAVE HER SHREK, SHE'S MY FRIEN-" and with that Karkat got slapped by Aradia.  
    "I can't believe y0u fell f0r that." Aradia said, "I admire y0ur sp0rtsmanship th0ugh. Let's fight L0raxnight t0gether."  
    "L-zero-raxnight?" Shrek said.  
    "SHE MEANS LORAXNIGHT, AND I THINK IT'S HER NAME FOR THE WITCH. WITCH-LER SOUNDS COOLER THO."  
    "Whatever, that's n0t the p0int. We need t0 catch up with the witch." Aradia grabbed Karkat and Shrek and used her ttly leet time powers to teleport back into the barrier somehow. The Witch-ler was eating an old man now. His father. Then Shrek thought of HIS father. Shrek must save the Fath-ler. Shrek threw an onion grenade right at the Witch-ler's stupid fucking face. He fell back and dropped his fath-ler, but a bunch of the small orange hair men devoured fath-ler.  
    "0h n0 this is bad." Aradia said as she fr0ze Witch-ler and whipped one of his axe-arms off. "Karkat, y0u get the 0ther arm and Shrek grenade his head as much as y0u can!" Karkat ran up to the other arm, but Aradia released the time barrier too early. Karkat was slammed on the ground by the axe arm. Aradia re-froze the Witch-ler and attacked it's other arm. Karkat was screaming bloody murder, but Shrek had no time to chek up on him. Shrek ran up one of the Witch-ler's legs and threw a grenade at his crotch.  
    The  Witch-ler fell, stunned. Aradia started to whip the fuck out of it's face, but nothing worked. Shrek ran over to Karkat who was bleeding imensly. His fursuit was torn up on the left side.  
    "SHREK, TAKE MY SICKLE. YOU HAVE TO CUT OFF HIS HEAD." Karkat twitched as he said that, "HIS WISH... WAS TO BE RICH. IT'S TIME TO CUT THE TAXES. CUT HIM OFF-" and Karkat fainted. Shrek rushed over to it's neck and started hacking. The hairy orange minions tried to pull Shrek off, but he was really going at it. Shrek gave one final whack, and the Witch-ler screached to the tune of "How Bad Can I Be". The barrier faded and Shrek caught the falling grief seed, but his first instinct was to go and help Karkat.  
    Karkat was a bloody mess, his arm was detached from his body and his soul gem was a bit darker than normal. Shrek healed him with his soul gem, but he couldn't magically regrow Karkat's arm. Karkat would never have a left arm again.  
    "S0, y0u care ab0ut the mutant b0y." Aradia said. "If Meenah finds 0ut ab0ut his bl00d, he will be killed. Are y0u sure y0u want that resp0nsibility?"  
    "Yeah, he's my best friend." Shrek said enthusiastically.  
    "Y0u p00r thing." Aradia said in the most out of canonical character way. "He's g0nna die and y0u kn0w it." Aradia then walked away.  
    Karkat didn't come out of his house for three whole weeks, he was too busy sleeping according to Crabdad. Shrek fought some more witches while he was gone, and he got his hair cut after the fashion disaster with the Witch-ler. He also forced himself out of his scene phase, and he made some more friends at school. Shrek found himself thinking of Terezi at times like this. He was starting to forget what she looked and sounded like. Shrek decided to ask Gendo about her.  
    "Hey Gendo, there was a girl named Terezi Pyrope in this class, and she was a magical girl." Shrek relayed, "I have some questions about her." Gendo raised his eyebrows almost off his head.  
    "Who's that?" Gendo Ikari the Incubator with the alias of Kyubey said.

* * *

 

    Shrek ran out of the classroom, and he never spoke of this event until tomorrow. When Karkat came back to school, things went back to normal. Shrek was no longer scene though, which made Karkat feel kinda relieved. Karkat was still emo, but then again he could never change that anyways. During lunch, Shrek told Karkat about the encounter with Gendo.  
    "KINDA STRANGE, BUT GENDO IS HELLA OLD." said Karkat, "HE PROBABLY JUST FORGOT ABOUT HER DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT."  
    "Yeah but I'm kinda freaked out." Shrek said as he swallowed an onion.  
    "LOOK DUDE, IT'S PROBABLY NOTHING." Karkat wiped some sauce off his shirt as he said this. "TEREZI WAS ONLY IN SCHOOL FOR A FEW DAYS."  
    "I thought you guys were like, childhood friends." Shrek said, "Because you made your wish for her."  
    "NO, I KNEW HER BEFORE THAT SHE WAS JUST IN SCHOOL FOR A SMALL AMOUNT OF TIME. SHE WAS HOMESCHOOLED." Karkat said, "SHE WAS SUPPOSED TO COME IN SOPHMORE YEAR, BUT SHE CHANGED HER MIND AND CAME IN THIRD TRIMESTER."  
    "Hm. I'm just kinda mad Gendo forgot about her you know."  
    "YEAH." Right after Karkat said that, the bell rang. "SEE YOU AFTER SCHOOL, FUCKASS."  
    Shrek fell asleep twice in Biology, and drempt of Terezi, standing over Karkat. Karkat was licking her weird feet, which made Shrek uncomfortable. Terezi then, 'came' in such a way Shrek vowed never to find out how trolls do the do. A little elf came out of her mouth, dropped some teal goo into a bucket, and then it kicked Karkat in balls. Karkat released red goo from his mouth and into the bucket. Shrek woke up screaming the first time, but found himself heavily intrigued the second time. The biology teacher, Ritsuko Akagi, told him to "Get the ham out of the room" because he was "a bigger weenie than Shinji".  
    While walking to math, Shrek saw a grief seed embedded in someone's backpack. Shrek gasped and tore it out. It was about to hatch. Shrek pissed in his pants as the witch revealed itself. It was just Mike Wazoski. Shrek wanted to call Karkat for help, but his vintage flip phone was out of battery. Shrek threw one of his onion grenades and hit Mike, but it didn't kill him. Shrek assumed he must go for the eye. Shrek pulled out his layer dagger and attempted to stab Mike, but he just screamed loudly.  
    "PUT THAT THING BACK WHERE IT CAME FROM OR SO HELP ME!" MIke yelled as he yanked one of the many doors in his barrier from the background. MIke slammed it down and Shrek blocked it with just his layer dagger. Shrek dodged the second slam of the door. He threw another grenade, to hopefully stun Mike. He missed and it went through one of the doors. Shrek ran from the door avalanche that Mike was jizzing out on him. Shrek hid behind a gigantic canteen while the more inferior green monster tried to find him.  
    Shrek looked at his surroundings for something he could use to defeat this witch. He ultimately decided on grabbing one of the doors and making some sick grinds with it and slide up Mike's arm like a hella skateboarding duderino. Shrek tore one of the doors from the landscape, and jumped up with it still in his arms, and brought it down on Mike's eye. What the hell Shrek. That was nothing like the plan. After Shrek caught the grief seed and the barrier faded, Shrek turned to find Karkat Vantas, mouth agape.  
    "YOU PROMISED, YOU FUCKING PROMISED ME YOU'D NEVER FIGHT ANOTHER WITCH WITHOUT ME." Karkat was crying at this point. "WHY SHREK, WHY DID YOU ABANDON ME? Y-YOU FUCKASS!"  
    "My phongre ran out of battery! Please, Karkat! I can explain!" Shrek howled as Karkat was bolting away from him. It took Shrek five hours and a suspension from school to find Karkat. He was sitting with a pout on the nude beach. He wasn't naked, though. Thank fucking God.  
    "GO AWAY SHREK, I WOULD NOT LIKE TO TALK TO YOU RIGHT NOW." Karkat mumbled loudly.  
    "Karkat, it's eight o'clock." Shrek said, "Crustatecian Father is probably really worried about you."  
    "FUCK CRABDAD. I HATE MY CRAB FURSUIT. I HATE CRABS!"      
    "Well fuck you too me non-loyal Krabby customer!" A voice reverbrated from the ocean.  
    "Karkat, you should apologize." Shrek said.  
    "NO FUCK MR. KRABS!" and a tiny hamburger thwacked Karkat on the face. Shrek gave Karkat a hug from behind.  
    "No homo..." Shrek said, "Karkat, I know you're suffering, but that's what being meguca is."  
    "HEY THOSE AREN'T NUDISTS! BURN THEM." Karkat and Shrek turned around to see a bunch of naked angry men with no clothes on pull lit torches out of their asses. Karkat pushed Shrek off and booked it. Shrek started to run too, and he barely got away. Karkat was now standing outside of the stripclub, he was changing into some lingerie. Shrek stood behind a lampost and watched as Karkat stripped, his best friend, desperate for money was now a whore because he had no money. Shrek decided to leave Karkat, and never speak of this again.  
    Shrek came home and slept and slept and slept and slept. He had the dream about Karkat and Terezi again. Shrek woke up in the morning, feeling like Lord Farquad. Shrek greeted his mother, a rock with an onion painted on it, kissed her goodbye, and went to school. Every time Shrek tried to talk to Karkat, Karkat ignored him. Shrek decided to give him some space to get over the fact that Shrek fought a witch without him.  
    During lunch, Karkat hung out with Aradia and some other troll boy who was two years their senior. Shrek had no other friends, because his scene phase ruined it, and even though he was cured of it there was nobody who liked Shrek. Shrek spent the entire lunch moping and at the end of Religion period the next day, Shrek asked Gendo a few more questions.  
    "Gendo, why is Karkat ignoring me?" Shrek said  
    "I don't know." Gendo replied as he lit a cigar.  
    "I feel like he doesn't like me anymore."  
    "God, what's this? Pretty Little Liars? Glee? Degrassi? I'm expecting an ABC Family logo to pop up in my preheprail vision any time now."  
    "Well sorry for valuing my friendships!" Sherk started crying.  
    "Okay fine, just apologize to him." Gendo said, "You MUST say no homo after it, it's the straight male code of America. No homo must be your catchphrase."  
    "Okay, I guess." Shrek said, "Thanks Gendo!"  
    "Anytime, no homo." said Gendo.  
    Karkat wasn't there at lunch, and he wasn't waiting at the special spot after school either. This routine countined until about June 1st, the begining of the last week of school. The day Shrek finally found Karkat. Shrek was just walking to the vending machine, and he saw Karkat playing four square in the corner with Aradia and that other guy.  
    Shrek thought of Karkat, in Witch-ler's barrier. He was weeping, weeping with Friendship, weeping with lonlieness. Weeping, weeping, weeping. And as Karkat's hand threw the ball to Aradia's, Shrek finally knew who the 10th layer was. The 10th layer, was him.  
    Shrek ran from the vending machine without getting his poptarts. He hated poptarts. Who gives a shit about poptarts. Shrek ran into one of the bathroom stalls and slouched to cry. Every layer on his heart felt peeled and gross.  
    His Moirailship with Karkat, was ogre.

    Shrek didn't know what to do anymore, he felt like his entire life was ogre. He still fought witches, but he had to use his grief seeds more often. His sadness over losing his moirail was too much. He thought of Donkey at this time, why did he wish for him to die? He missed that disgusting, ugly Donkey with all of his heart. Shrek must carry on, even though everything was pointless now.  
    After school ended, Shrek had nothing much to do anymore. He sat around his house watching TV, occasionally accompanied by Gendo, playing video games, and eating onions. Shrek took his first step outside on July 4th, but only because it was a holiday. There was gonna be a firework's show near lake Erie, so Shrek biked there. By the time he arrived, it was almost ogre. Shrek saw Karkat with his arm over Aradia's shoulder and that other dude who's name escapes him.  
    Shrek was walking closer to the coast, when he saw Eridan Ampora, with his  soul gem broken up his ass. Shrek had no time to be disgusted, a witch was near. The fireworks started to deform as Katy Perry songs played. The firework witch, Big Booty Steve, attacked on the fourth of July, 2099. Shrek was about to transform, but he saw Karkat and Aradia fighting the witch together. Maybe they were moirails now, Aradia stealing the spotlight from Shrek. Shrek just stood on his knees watching all the small explosions from Big Booty Steve. Green to blue to red to yellow to purple and back around. Shrek was mesmerized by the swirling beauty of the firework witch.  
    After the witch was killed, everyone was applauding the beautiful explosions that just took place. But to Shrek, it felt like people were applauding Karkat and Aradia. When Shrek was with Karkat, they never got applauded or anything. Everyone hated them but each other. Shrek knew at that moment, he was holding Karkat back. Then Shrek thought of Terezi, in the nurses office. He was weeping. Weeping with ogre, weeping with onions. Shrek watched as Karkat and Aradia (and that other guy, let's call him Phil) held hands.  
    Shrek was consumed by anger the rest of Summer, he vowed to be the best magical girl alive. Shrek never slept anymore, he used his magic to get rid of fatigue and did nothing but eat and defeat witches. He must outshine both Karkat and Aradia. Although, neither had trouble finding grief seeds and surviving.  
    In Sophomore year, Shrek decided it was time to tell Aradia the secret Karkat was hiding behind everyone's backs. During second period, English, Shrek passed Aradia a note that said "KARKAT IS A WHORE" with a picture of Karkat curling his tentacle wiener around a pole. The moment Shrek passed her the note, Aradia's hand shot up in the sky.  
    "MR. NAGISA, SHREK IS HANDING ME N0TES IN CLASS!" Aradia said loudly. Everyone in class was gossiping about Shrek having a crush on Aradia now.  
    "Shrek, go to the principal's office." said Mr. Nagisa, "but not before I read this note aloud." Mr. Nagisa cleared his frog-like throat and he unlayered the note. His eyes widened by one pixel and he started to say: "My dearest Aradia, Sam I Am is a fucking ho and should just transfer the fuck out of Mr. Nagisa's class -" Everyone turned to look at the new student, Sam I Am (He was blushing furiously) "- Shrek." That was not what Shrek wrote, but it was better.  
    Shrek never ended up going to the principal's office, Mr. Nagisa decided that embarrassment was a huge punishment. Halfway through class, a student stood up. She had a tramp stamp that said 'I lub Kawoshin'. She shouted: "MR. KAWORU NAGISA, WILL YOU MARRY ME?" and he just said no. Mr. Nagisa gives about as much of a fuck as something that gives no fucks. Shrek had also taken note that the girl who proposed to Kaworu had a very beautiful friend, almost more pretty than Terezi, but he never got to talk to her.  
    Shrek was walking to third period when a hand grabbed his shoulder.  
    "Shrek, was that really what y0u wr0te because y0u really d0n't seem t0 like me?" Aradia asked.  
    "No it wasn't," Shrek pulled out his flip phongre and flashed her the lewd Karkat picture, "Karkat is a whore."  
    "0kay that is N0T Karkat. That's his 0lder br0ther, Kankri." Aradia said, "Als0 why d0 y0u even have th0se pictures?"  
    "Uh."  
    "Mhm." Aradia strutted away, but not before saying something Shrek wouldn't forget for a long time. "Als0, Karkat d0esn't hate y0u. He's just upset I'm sure he'll get 0ver it." and Shrek was alone again. The worst part of all this was that Shrek no longer had Gendo as a teacher, and Gendo had forgotten him over the Summer, despite watching shitty 90s movies with him countless times.  
    Shrek sat alone at lunch, and he didn't mind it anymore. If Karkat would still be his friend, he was okay. On the fourth day of school, Shrek was just eating a ham sandwich when a troll girl sat next to him.  
    "H3Y, YOU SM3LL LONL3Y. C4N 1 S1T H3R3?" A familiar voice said, and Shrek whip lashed to the direction of the voice, and Terezi Pyrope was sitting next to him in the school uniform that he'd met her in.  
        Terezi looked... Younger than Shrek remembered, and her uniform was clean now. But didn't Terezi die? Or was that just a sick, sick nightmare.  
    "MY FR13ND K4RK4T TOLD M3 4BOUT YOU. H3 S41D YOU TOLD H1M 1 D13D?" Terezi said, "H3'S K1ND4 P1SS3D SO 1 TH1NK YOU SHOULD 4POLOG1Z3..."  
    "Yeah, but didn't you become a witch?" Shrek was apalled, how was this even happening.  
    "WH4T? HOW COULD 1 B3 4 W1TCH? TH3Y 4R3 TH3 B4D GUYS!"  
    "Er, nothing, Terezi." Sherk was getting mad heebie jeebies, "All I know is that you died."  
    "M4YB3 YOU'R3 TH1NK1NG OF MY COUS1N. SH3 W4S M4D POPUL4R 4ND 1 G3T M1ST4K3N FOR H3R SOM3T1M3S."  
    "You never told me about a cousin."  
    "OF COURS3 1 D1DN'T! 1 H4T3D H3R. SH3 TOOK 4LL OF K4RK4T'S 4TT3NT1ON 4W4Y FROM M3 4ND 1T M4D3 M3 R34LLY FUCK1NG S4D! 1 3ND3D UP PULL1NG OUT OF SCHOOL B3C4US3 OF H3R!" Terezi turned her head and Shrek calmed down. Maybe the witch was her cousin afterall. "WH4T3V3R THOUGH, YOU SHOULD GO 4POLOG1Z3 NOW." She grabbbed Shrek's arm and yanked him to Karkat and Aradia's lunch table.  
    "TEREZI WHY ARE YOU BRINGING THIS JACKASS HERE?" Karkat was filled with a massive anger.  
    "OH SHUT 1T K4RKL3S, H3 DO3SN'T S33M L1K3 4 J4CK4SS, PLUS H3'S H3R3 TO 4POLOG1Z-"  
    "JUST LET HIM FUCKING ROT."  
    "OH COM3 ON. 1 H4V3N'T T4LK3D TO H1M MUCH BUT YOU GOTT4 G1V3 H1M 4 CH4NC3!"  
    "I DID AND HE RUINED IT!"  
    "K4RKL3S YOU 4R3 SO OV3RDR4M4T1C! R3M3MB3R TH3 FUCK1NG ONCL3-L3R?"  
    "HE SAID MY PANTS MAKE MY BUTT LOOK BIG! BUT HE DIED SO WHAT FUCKING EVER."  
    "H3 W4S 1NTO BOOTY! 4LSO WHY 1S 3V3RYON3 DY1NG! WH3R3 1S TH3 JUST1C3?"  
    "H-HE WAS? GOD FUCKING DAMMIT!" Karkat kicked the table in the balls and slapped his single arm down on the table.  
    "K4RK4T, C4LM YOUR 4SSHOL3!" Terezi turned to Shrek, "SHR3K, 4POLOG1Z3 TO K4RK4T B3FOR3 H3 SH1TS 4 D1CK!" Shrek was listening to Stadium Arcadium, and he let out a "and I'm sorry!" in John Frusciante's voice. Angels came down and started to Serande Karkat. Karkat let go of his anger in a good way. Karkat felt only bliss. Shrek remembered what Gendo had said: "SAY NO HOMO AFTER EVERYTHIIIIIING!" and Shrek did just that, and Karkat kicked him in the nuts but then hugged him.  
    Karkat and Shrek's moirailship was no longer ogre. Terezi smiled at Aradia, and Aradia glared at her. Shrek and Karkat enjoyed the first semester after that, they started to fight witches together again, and Terezi fought by their side. Aradia and Phil (Apparently his name was Sollux or something, Shrek thought Phil was a better name though so he stuck with it.) were nowhere to be seen. Terezi and Karkat had been doing the do because Shrek saw Terezi arrive to school with a roudy elf that he remembered came out of her mouth in a dream.  
    Shrek was jealous, but he had his eyes on another girl now. Nepeta, the girl from his English class last year. She'd transfered to Canada for sophomore year, but she'd be back. Karkat was happy at least, and that's all Shrek wanted at the moment. He could no longer decide if he was jealous of Karkat or Terezi. He had a fear of getting abandoned, and he was scared that the past few months would repeat itself; he didn't want his scene phase to come back.  
    Aradia was angry because her boyfriend has been stolen by that skank. She started dating Sollux, but she was more into emos. Even when Aradia released her elf onto Sollux, she had screamed "KARKAAAAT!" and Sollux felt like ass and Aradia was extremely embarrassed. Aradia also had a bad feeling about Terezi, as if she was personally offending Aradia on a molecular level, she just couldn't shake why.  
    Aradia made Sollux become a magical girl too, and he wished for two penises. She just slapped her face as Gendo turned him into a dual dildo-weilding scantily clad magical girl in thigh highs. His soul gem was right in the middle of the front of his thong.  
    "2exy..." He said underbreath and Aradia giggled like a schoolgirl. Aradia was aroused by this, despite Sollux not being emo. After Sollux started coming to school in his magical girl gear, the number of magical girls decreased. But Dave Strider, self proclaimed coolest kid in school, started to hang out with them. He refused to become a magical girl, and Gendo said he wasn't hormonal enough, but he was still 'cool'. Dave liked to collect dead animals and Sollux gave him all the dead bees from his hive.  
    Even after all this, Aradia could not shake the feeling that Terezi was fast and danger.  
    Shrek, Karkat and Terezi were called by Gendo one fateful evening. The hologram appeared so suddenly, Shrek almost shit himself while watching Toward the Past.  
    "Shrek, I'm sorry, this is kinda important." Gendo said. "Also what up it's been awhile since I popped out of your crotch."  
    "What's wrong Gendogre?" Shrek said worriedly.  
    "There is a very huge witch coming to Ohio at 190 mph, we call her Nyoomnado, the Wind Witch. You have to destroy her before she gets to our part of Ohio or we're all fucked. Also, do not under any circumstance go alone." Shrek turned his head to his friends and they nodded. They ran outside and saw her from miles away, her barrier was the biggest yet.  
    "GUYS! WAIT UP!" Aradia said as she dashed with Sollux and Dave, "We will help y0u defeat Ny00mnad0." Shrek smiled as Sollux pulled out his dildo horse and they rode to the wind witch. Once they got into her barrier, the wind was pushing them around and Dave had no magical powers so his wimpy white boy body was being flung around. Aradia caught him and held him down.  
    "Goddamn, I'm sorry Aradia." Dave said in a really dorky but cool way.  
    "D0n't menti0n it." Aradia looked up at everyone else, "Y0u guys are g0ing t0 have t0 c0ntinue with0ut me s0 Dave d0esn't die." Everyone said goodbye to Aradia and dashed into the cyclone, Sollux flew off on his dildo horse and Karkat screamed. Sollux seemed okay though, because he was screaming "YEHAW MOTHERFUCKER2!" while riding the dildo like a rocket. Terezi was ahead of everyone else, and she pulled out her cane.  
    When they reached the eye of the storm, they saw a woman being slowly melted into smoke by the wind. Her was an upside-down vase which Shrek thought made no sense, but Witch-ler wouldn't have made sense to people who didn't know him. Shrek through one of his onion grenades, but it flew up and it hit Sollux. They head a faint "II AM THE MA2TER OF GOD AND JE2U-OOOOOOOOH MY 2HIIT GGGGGHHH." and a loud thump. Shrek realized his mistake too late, he was the only one that wouldn't get blown away from the wind under any circumstance, but he couldn't use his layer dagger, because the witch needed to be hit in the head and she was too tall for him.  
    Terezi dashed and slammed her cane into the vase and cracked it, revealing Nyoomnado's birdy body. Karkat ran and sickled off the feathers so she couldn't fly away.  
    "NOW SHREK!" Karkat yelled as he was shot up in the air by the wind. Shrek ran as fast as he could to the witch, and she hit him twice with her wings but he managed to get to her face. He saw his reflection in her face, and smoke got caught in his eyes as he fished for his layer dagger. He was about to stab her as he was slammed off. Nyoomnado grew into something even larger and Shrek's head was throbbing too much to see what it was. He still got up and tried to fight but his muscles were weak and his head, oh god did his head hurt like hell.  
    Terezi ran up and stabbed Nyoomnado in the face, but it didn't do anything but make a rush of smoke shoot out. Nyoomnado's face needed to be obliterated. Shrek ran with an aching body and stabbed another hole into Nyoomnado's face and jammed as many onion grenades as he could into her face. He jumped off her as the winds grew and her face puffed into a gigantic smoke cloud.  
    When all was over, Shrek was lying face down in the dirt holding a grief seed, Karkat was ontop of him, Terezi was standing, Aradia was passed out and Sollux was not in sight. Shrek wiped the dirt off his face and Karkat helped him up. Shrek was greeted by a cane to the face.  
    "4LR1GHT. FORK OV3R TH3 GR13F S33D 4ND NOBODY G3TS HURT." Terezi's sweet smile was now a sick grin.  
    "W-What?" Shrek's view of Terezi had been torn apart in that moment.  
    "OH COM3 ON. DON'T T4LK L1K3 3R1D4N. 1 G3T 1T, YOU W4NT TH3 GR13F S33D, BUT 1'M GONN4 B3 TH3 ONLY ON3 4LLOW3D TO TH3M." She poked Shrek in the arm as she said this and a trickle of blood came down.  
    "HEY! NOBODY FUCKING HURTS SHREK." Karkat shouted in Terezi's face. "ESPECIALLY NOT INFRONT OF M-" and Karkat had a cane stabbed into his chest.  
    "SHUDDUP SHOUTY. NOBODY W4NTS TO H34R YOU WH1N3." Shrek's heart was racing, Karkat could be dead. His moirail, a few days after making up with him, could be dead as a doornail and there's nothing he could do about it. Terezi grabbed Karkat's soul gem off his finger. "JUST TO M4K3 SUR3 YOU DON'T 3V3R COM3 B4CK..." Terezi positioned the sharp point of her cane to the gem on Karkat's ring, and time seemed to freeze. And it did.  
    Aradia tackled Terezi and she dropped her cane and Karkat's soul ring. Shrek grabbed the ring and Karkat and started to drag him away from all the havoc. Shrek blinked and time seemed to speed up. Aradia was choking Terezi with her whip as Terezi searched for her cane. Aradia tightened her whip and Terezi slammed her cane right into Aradia's chest, a clear hit to her soul gem necklace. Dark red blood splattered all over Terezi's school uniform and she stood to thrust her cane into Karkat's back, but she started to disappear.  
    Terezi Pyrope had ceased to exist at that moment. Shrek panted as her stood over Aradia's corpse, and he checked Karkat's pulse to make sure he was alive. Karakt's pulse beat to the beat of Punkbitch by 30H3!, in contrast to Donkey's final beats which was Bad Romance. Karkat had actual taste in music, Shrek decided. He picked some onions and placed them on Aradia's corpse and blew a kiss to the night sky, sorta like how it was in the Hunger Games kinda.  
    Dave dashed to the scene, "DUDES, I SAW EVERYTHING! I SAW EVERYTHING TEREZI WAS TRYING TO KILL YOU SO I WISHED -IN THESE EXACT WORDS- 'I WISH TEREZI WOULD JUST GO THE FUCK BACK IN TIME OR SOMETHING.' AND SHE DID! GENDO MADE IT HAPPEN I LOVE YOU GENDORINO!" Dave sat down and put his face in his hands and started laughing. "I-I'm a magical girl now, I have to suffer and I have to get grief seeds and deal with responsibilty ooooooh god oh fuck why." He turned to look at Aradia's body, "That could be me one day haha. It could be you and you too." He said to both Shrek and Karkat as he pointed a shaky finger at them.  
    Shrek remembered the time Terezi appeared to him last year, was she trying to kill him then? Did she visit him because she wanted to use him? Just what were Terezi Pyrope's intents?

 


	2. Daveless in Swampattle

The Absolute Worst thing about the next few months, was Dave. Dave was severally depressed about being a magical girl, he'd always be a grief seed hog and Shrek and Karkat had to be witch fighters almost 24/7. They'd've just let him become a witch by now, but the fact that Dave made a time related wish was risky. His witch might just send them back several hundred years, when Joseph Stalin became the first Magical Girl. He had wished that he would live forever, and he still does, but as the witch, Communisimite. Communisimite is fabled to be the worlds most harmless witch, but most Magical Girls fear the day it'll come to where they are stationed. Shrek knew Gendo had personally liked Communisimite, he'd even said that Joseph Stalin was his favorite Magical Girl ever (No Homo), because he'd actually had the guts to kill other magical girls and take their power. Shrek thought this was very fucked up. He thought about this as he ate his onion stew during lunch. He looked around his table and saw that Karkat was having trouble eating, probably due to the fact that he was eating a huge ass burger shaped like a dog with one arm. Dave, who was next to them, was too busy being a little bitch to eat.

"YOU KNOW WHAT DAVE, I DON'T APPRECIATE YOU, WELL YOU KNOW. NOT FIGHTING WITCHES BUT TAKING ALL THE GRIEF SEEDS." Karkat said as he took a huge bite out of his burger.

"Yo Karkat. I need my time to be adjusted to this." Dave replied.

"DAVE IT HAS BEEN AS LONG AS FOUR CONSECUTIVE RABBIT PREGNANCIES SINCE YOU BECAME A MAGICAL GIRL, GET THE FUCKING ~FUCK~ OVER IT."

"B-But, Karkat you don't know the pain~"

"I AM MISSING MY LEFT ARM."

"At least you can jack it," Dave looked to the window and started crying, "Bro bought me one of those crucifixes because he didn't want me to. I feel bad now, like Jesus is watching me..." Shrek decided to tune out the drama and go back to thinking about Magical Girl history. Rumor has it, Gendo was a Magical Girl and he'd just wished to become an incubator. Shrek really thought hard about how all this wor-

"DAVE, YOU FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT I HOPE YOU GET ASS HERPES." Karkat kicked Dave in the balls and he passed out. Shrek was kinda happy about this, until he realized Dave wasn't moving. "O-OH GOD." Karkat stepped back, there was a chunk of a soul gem coming out of Dave's shorts. He'd kept his Soul Gem in his undies. Karkat locked eyes with Shrek- they had to hide the body. "SHREK," Karkat whispered in a way that was normal talking for other people, "SHREK- M-MEET ME IN THE BOYS BATHROOM AFTER 6TH PERIOD." and the bell rang. Shrek didn't remember shit about his next two classes, mainly because he skipped both of them to sob in the bathroom while watching Gossip Girl and Jersey Shore. After two painful hours, Karkat burst into the room, he strutted over to the third stall from the door and punched it open. In there, laid the body of Dave Strider, with his face in the bowl, and his feet glued to the wall.

"That should be a new sex pose, only the toilet is someone's ass." Shrek said as Karkat pulled out his 'track and field' bag and stuffed what's left of Dave's pathetic body in there.

"THIS IS A MAGICAL DUFFEL BAG I RECEIVED FROM GENDO." Karkat said, "IT LEADS STRAIGHT TO HELL, AKA THE WITCH BARRIER OF MITT ROMNEY." Shrek thought that was rather convenient, they can just stuff their bullies in there and be set for the rest of High School. Something, however, bothered Shrek about this bag.

"Gee, I don't know Karkat, this bag seems dangerous." Shrek said, "What if it gets into the wrong hands?"

"EVEN IF IT DOES, WE CAN HANDLE IT. RIGHT MAN?"

"I guess." But Shrek was still uncomfortable, but maybe he was just being Ogredramatic. Shrek Trusted Karkat. He knew Karkat only had to best wishes for him, and he was glad to have such a great moirail. The next day, however, Shrek realized what a bad idea it was.

It was lunch again, and Sollux had finally come back from the hospital. He was missing his extra dick, and his left nut. Both Shrek and Karkat didn't want to know about this, but it was Sollux, he was so lonely. He wore pants that went up to his disgusting, unwashed chin hairs and it squeezed his asscheeks like fresh Oranges from Grandpa Jim's Bim Babbling Slamajam.

"I wi2h Aradia wa2 2till here." Sollux was crying, and Shrek thought of Aradia, in the witch barrier "I mi22 her 2weet a22."

"ARADIA WAS MORE THAN A SWEET ASS." Karkat said, "SOLLUX YOU'RE SHALLOW AS FUCK."

"Karkat you have to admit, that ass was fine tho." Shrek said.

"YOU GUYS ARE DICKS. I'M GOING TO THE BATHROOM." Karkat lied, and he stomped out of the cafeteria, leaving the magic Duffel bag alone with Shrek and Sollux.

"Hey, 2hrek. 2hrek dude. 2hrek." Sollux said excitedly.

"What is it now Sollux?" Shrek sighed, he was worried about Karkat.

"What if. What if I ju2t. 2tuck my te2te in thi2 bag?"

"...Why?"

"Cau2e I do what i want." Sollux zipped open the Duffel Bag.

"NO SOLLUX NOOOOOOOOOO!" Shrek yelled, but it was too late, Sollux's single pathetic testicle has been overcome by republican ideals. Sollux was sucked into the bag and Shrek leaned in to zip it up. Shrek thought of Sollux, in the Mitt Romney fields. He was weeping, weeping with bees, weeping x2, weeping weeping weeping. And as his hands found the zipper that closes the Duffel Bag, he knew at last what the tenth bee was. The tenth bee, was Sollux. He needed to find Karkat.

* * *

Karkat was laying on the Nudist Beach, tanning himself almost completely butt naked. All he was wearing was his Gerard way bracelet, which was allowed past the nude censors. Karkat flipped over to his side and he saw a green blobby lump running at him high speed. Before he could even process this, a converse shoe came up and whacked him in the horn.

"AHHHHHHH SHIIIIT GH." Karkat grabbed his horn and rubbed it softly. He looked up to be greeted by a concerned Shrek. Karkat stood up shakily and grabbed Shrek by the spiked collar he wore around his neck. "WHAT THE EVER LOVING FUCK ARE YOU DOING HERE? CAN'T YOU SEE I WANNA BE ALONE! YOU STILL NEED TO APOLOGIZE ABOUT ARADIA!" Karkat burst into tears, and Shrek thought of his father.

"Karkat I'm so sorry," Shrek said emphatically, "b-but Sollux... I'm afraid he-" Shrek said as he showed Karkat the Magic Duffel Bag. Shrek saw Karkat be filled with rage in that instant.

"FUCK. THAT. GUY!!!!" Karkat said as he tackled the bag out of Shrek's hands. He magical girl transformed and pulled out his sickle. Out of the corner of his eye, Shrek saw nudists preparing their torches. This was all too much.

"KARKAT... NOOOO..!" Shrek said as he attempted to struggle the sickle out of his moirails hand. All of a sudden, the nudist beach melted into a twisted hallway that Shrek couldn't wrap his brain around a series of paintings of what looked like a donkey slowly morphing into an elephant morphing into an eagle lined the walls. The nudist beachers were no longer nakey, and they were all wearing suits. Every last one of them screeched as they tore off the fancy clothing, only to have it regenerate again. Karkat and Shrek looked at each other, both Dave and Sollux were here.

 "SHREK... I'M SORRY..." Karkat said and turned his head to the nudists struggling out of their suits, "AND UNCOMFORTABLE."

"Me too Karkat," Shrek replied, "me too. Let's go find our friend." Shrek and Karkat walked through the halls, looking at all the disturbing animorph paintings. After almost a mile of walking, they saw the eagle slowly transform into none other than Mitt Romney.

"GEE SHREK, I'M KINDA WORRIED." Karkat said, "AT LEAST TRANSFORM INTO A MAGICAL GIRL."

"I haven't seen a single minion Karkat," Shrek said, " I don't want to waste my magic."

"OKAY, BUT IF YOU END UP GETTING KILLED DON'T COME CRYING TO ME." Karkat said as he came face to face with a demonic suit. Karkat lurched back and Shrek caught his body. "OH MY GOD, T-THE NUDISTS." They both turned around and saw the former nudists gaining up on them, all wearing demonic suits.

* * *

 

Shrek woke up screaming. All he could remember was passing out after being strangled by a suit, and Karkat screaming but when WASN'T he doing that. Shrek hyperventilated for a moment and scanned his surroundings: he was in some kinda tent.

"Qui êtes vous?" Said a voice in French more broken than the American Economy. Shrek was perplexed, that sounded nothing like anyone he knew.

"Excuse me?- I mean Excusez-moi?" Shrek said

"Qui êtes vous?" Asked the voice again, "Je suis desolé pour ma voix. J'ai parlé seul francais depuis j'ai désiré être en la maison..." Shrek had no idea what this guy was saying. He rubbed his eyes and tried to focus in the dim light. Shrek's eyes almost formed a shape when the unknown person turned on a lantern. "Je m'appelle Cory Baxter." Shrek had never heard that name in his life, he'd known a few Cory's from his Ogre Middle School, but no Baxter.

"So, your name is Cory?" Shrek said, hoping to get an English response because he'd picked sign language as his language.

"Oui, mon nom est Cory Baxter." Cory frenched out, "Je suis de l'année 2007, mais je sais ce n'est pas 2007 plus."

"I don't understand, can you do sign language?" Shrek asked and Cory swiftly lifted up his middle finger. Shrek was hurt.

"HA HAHA JE SUIS DESOLÉ, MAIS TA FIGURE! AHAHA!" Cory was laughing, "Aussi qui est-ce que, ton copain?" He pointed to a passed out Karkat on the floor of the tent. "Il est trés mignon."

"Karkat? What about him?" Shrek figured this Cory person was insulting him.

"Ah, Il s'appelle Karkat! Il est mignon." Cory raised his eyebrows and giggled. Shrek was getting pissed. How dare this stranger insult his moirail.

"BADLY FRENCH TRANSLATED CORY BAXTER, WE MEET AGAIN." Karkat had woken up to the giggles. "I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU, EVER SINCE GENDO TOLD ME ABOUT THE INCIDENT FROM 93 YEARS AGO!"

"Quoi?"

"YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID. YOU WISHED TO BE IN THE HOUSE, CREATING A WITCH BARRIER FILLED WITH WITCHES TOO WEAK TO MAKE THEIR OWN BARRIERS."

"Cory, is that true?" Shrek asked, hopefully he'd get a nod and not a plethora of broken French this time. There was a long pause, Shrek could feel Karkat throbbing with rage purer than 100% organic juice.

"...Je ne suis pas ayant ce." Cory mumbled, and Karkat got pissed.

"ALRIGHT BAXTER, OR SHOULD I SAY BASTARD? LET'S FUCKING GO RIGHT NOW!" Karkat was suddenly in his crabsuit.

"L'AMENER SUR!" Cory's french broke not only the language, but the sound barrier. Cory pulled out his soul gem and transformed. Cory was wearing a suit with pictures of 100 dollar bills printed all over it. His weapon was a flag with his face on it. This reminded Shrek strongly of the Once-Ler. Karkat charged at Cory and tried to decapitate him, but Cory smacked him across the face with a bobble head that was in his own image. Karkat convulsed on the ground for a few seconds. Cory sighed in French and pulled out a pen and piece of paper. Shrek looked down to Karkat, who was knocked out again and out of his fursuit. Shrek wiped the blood off of his forehead and stuffed him in a sleeping bag. It wasn't long before he head Cory calling to him. Shrek was greeted by two pieces of paper with drawings on them:

Shrek had decided this was the worst penmanship (and art) he'd ever seen, even Donkey's writing had looked better. He'd understood however, Cory's situation. He'd gotten a double wish, and probably manipulated because of how vague the first one was.

"How fucking old is Gendo?" Shrek asked, "Was he really alive 93 years ago?"

"Oui." Cory said, and Shrek understood that much. Karkat started shaking and Cory hit him in the face again.

"Was that really necessary?" Shrek asked, and Cory nodded. Karkat, however, still woke up.

"HEY ASSHOLE THERE'S SOME UNFINISHED BUSINESS HERE!" Karkat screamed and Shrek stuffed the drawings in his mouth. Karkat tore the drawings out of his mouth and scanned them for a moment. Karkat sighed angrily and then yelled. "THEN WHO'S BARRIER IS THIS, IF YOU AREN'T A DOUBLE WITCH!? YOUR TWO WISHES CREATED A GIANT BARRIER AND YOU KNOW IT" Cory turned over one of the pieces of paper and wrote 'Communismite' on the back. Karkat and Shrek were taken aback, he was here. The strongest witch, the witch of Joseph Stalin, was sealed in the duffel bag. Shrek's onion belt shot out a beam, and Gendo's face looked down at them disappointingly.

"You know, I'm sorry for leaving this out... Mitt Romney's witch was too weak to form it's own barrier, so it went into Communismite's and took over. Well, not exactly, they''re fighting eachother right now but I personally believe that hunk of a man Joseph Stalin- I-I mean no homo!- Will win." Gendo said.

"OKAY," Karkat yelled, "BUT WHY DID YOU LEAVE THAT OUT!"

"Because I didn't want you coming into this barrier, because I said it was hell so you wouldn't bother. There's too many witches."

"HOW ARE WE GOING TO GET OUT??"

"Hm. You're in the Romney part of the barrier so just wait until his witch di-" and they were suddenly back on the nudist beach, with Cory.

"But what about Sollux!" Shrek was hurt, he missed his sweet ass.

"I don't know! All I know is Communismite is in Ohio now and God Damn, you guys have to deal with Cory now." Gendo scratched his head.

"EXCUSE-MOI?" Cory glared at Gendo, Shrek could feel the atmosphere change from sad to angry.

"Hey, hey, hey. Calm down Cory. It's just that the word has changed in the past 93 years, and you also only speak broken French at the moment. Also I don't know how to fix that!" Gendo shrugged this off, Cory was a smart boy.

"VA TE FAIRE ENCULER!" Cory shouted.

"Woah, woah, woah. Language man chill, I'll let you off the hook with this one. I'm being serious Cory, there's barely any humans anymore, they make up 20% of the sentient population."

"Qu'en tu?"

"I'm an incubator you dumb fuck, well half human half incubator but you get the idea." Gendo looked over at Karkat. "And since this piece of shit killed Dave, there's even LESS humans around."

"IT'S NOT -MY- FAULT THAT HE KEPT HIS SOUL GEM IN HIS PANTS." Karkat was quick to defend himself, like he always did when he was overly angry, "YOU REALLY DON'T LIKE ME DO YOU- GENDHO!"

"Ever hear of the term 'family jewels?'; You've been really hateful lately Karkat," Gendo sighed, "Shrek I think I'm going to leave, partially because your friends are being dicks and partially because the nudists are regaining consciousness. Have a good day" and Gendo shut off his holographic projection. Shrek and Karkat both looked at Cory, who was grabbing sand and letting it fall out of his hand.

 "SO. WHERE'S HE GOING TO LIVE?" Karkat said, "I'M NOT SURE HE CAN EVEN COME TO OUR SCHOOL, HE'S PRACTICALLY A 100 YEAR OLD-ISH MAN WHO CAN ONLY SPEAK FRENCH."

"I don't Knogre, maybe he can live with you?" Shrek Replied.

"HEELLLLLLLLLLLL NO. CRABDAD WOULD KILL ME FOR BRINGING A STRANGER HOME. YOU'RE THE ONE WITH NO FAMILY."

"I-I have my onion rock mom..." Shrek started to tear up.

"I'M SORRY SHREK, BUT IT'S TRUE. DON'T YOU STILL HAVE DONKEY'S OLD BED?"

"...Yes..." and Karkat turned to Cory again.

"HEY NAPOLEON, MEET YOUR NEW ROOMMATE, SHREK." Karkat yelled. Cory's face curved into a warm smile.

"Merci, âne crabe ." Cory said happily, and he got up and stood next to Shrek.

"So uh, see you tomorrow Karkat?" Shrek asked.

"SEE YOU TOMORROW." Karkat turned around and walked away. Shrek went on his way home, with Cory trailing closely behind him.

* * *

 Spring break had just begun, luckily for Cory, because this would give him enough time to transfer into Skaia High School. Shrek had received the forms from Gendo, which were quickly transferred to Cory. Cory looked over them for a moment, and then his eyes widened. The papers fell out of his hands and he gripped his head.

"J'AI... CENT DIX ANS?!" Cory screamed, Shrek knew something bad was going on.

"Woah woah Cory! It's okay uh- I don't even know just-" Shrek tried to calm Cory down, but it was too late. Cory was in a fetal position on the floor. Shrek was upset, his birthday was going to be complete shit. A pan was flung and hit Shrek in the face.

"PARS MOI SEUL!" Cory said as he shattered the French language. He got up and pushed Shrek out of his own home. Shrek fell to his knees, and thought of his father. He needed to get Cory his own place. He decided to go find Karkat, he was good at intimidating people, at least sometimes. Shrek, however, trusted Cory. While Karkat didn't, Shrek could see that Cory had good intentions. He got up and trudged through the muck and grime that plagued his swamp. The trees cast a shade over him that cooled him down from the mild spring heat. As he walked through the swamp, he felt calm for a moment, as if witches weren't real, and he didn't have the duty to kill them. Nothing but him existed in that moment. At times like this, Shrek thought of his father, on the Onion Fields. He was weeping, weeping with ogre, weeping with onions, weeping weeping weeping. Why had his dad gone so soon? Why did he have to eat the tenth layer of the onion, the most poisonous to all Ogres. It was Ogre law to remove it before it even left the Onion Fields. Shrek felt his foot slap against pavement and he forgot what he was thinking about. He was on Karkat's block now, and his house stood out greatly, for it was much smaller and worn down than the others. Shrek walked to the doorstep and rung the doorbell. Two minutes passed by and he was just about to leave, when the door swung open.

"-EY SQUIRT. W)(AT DO YA WANT?" It wasn't Karkat, it was a punk troll lady that answered Shrek. She was a junior at their school.

"Excuse me, uh, where is Karkat?" Shrek asked, "Are you his sister?"

"WOA)( SLOW TH-E )(-ELL DOWN! Loaded questions much S)(-E-ES)(! I'm his girl, Meenah, 'nd he's in the other room."

"Karkat never told me he had a girlfri- wait you call your partners matesprits right?"

"YUP. You must be that Shrek jackass." Meenah tilted her head up to show superiority.

"That hurts." Shrek said, and Karkat's head popped up under Meenah.

"MEENAH, SWEETIE, I'LL JUST TAKE THIS FROM HERE." Karkat said, and Meenah looked at Shrek with a shit-eating grin and walked back into the house. "I'M SORRY ABOUT THAT."

"Karkat... Why didn't you tell me.... I thought we were.." Shrek teared up a bit, "B-brogres..."

"I'M SORRY SHREK, I REALLY AM. BUT MEENAH CAN BE A BIT, YOU KNOW, LIKE HER NAME." Karkat put his hand on Shrek's shoulder, "I DIDN'T WANT YOUR FEELINGS TO GET HURT..."

"B-brogre...." Shrek thought of his father, on the onion fields.

"BROGRE. I'M SORRY BROGRE." Karkat said and Shrek was pulled into a hug. "I WONT KEEP ANYTHING ELSE BEHIND YOUR BACK, THIS IS A PROMISE. NOW, WHY DID YOU COME TO MY HOUSE?"

"It's Cory, he's having a breakdown."

"WELL HE DID JUST FIND OUT HE'S OLD AS BALLS. NOT HUMAN OR TROLL BALLS, LIKE TURTLE BALLS."

"Karkat turtles don't have balls..."

"OH SHUT THE ONIONS UP. LET'S JUST GO SEE CORY." Karkat threw a coat over his pajamas. He called Meenah over, who had been evesdropping, and kissed her cheek. "AIGHT, LET'S-A GO."

* * *

 

 "JE SUIS ALLÈ QUATRE-VINGT-TREIZE ANS EN L'AVENIR!" Cory yelled as he threw Shrek's toaster into the forest. Shrek cringed as he arrived to the scene, his toaster that had warmed so many nasty, disgusting waffles, and held them tightly like a loving spouse, was split in two. Karkat stepped forward, and took in a deep breath.

"HEY, ASSWHORE, WE NEED TO TALK." Karkat yelled, and Cory turned around.

"Que-ce que tu viens de dire de moi, petite salope?" Cory said aggressively, and approached Karkat "Je t'informerai que j'ai gradué en haut de ma classe des Filles Magiques Ècole, et je ai été impliqué dans des attaques secretes nombreux sur Les Sorcières, et je ai plus de 300 tués confirmés. Je suis formé dans la guerre des gorilles et je suis le tireur le plus élite dans toutes les forces Filles Magiques. Tu n'es rien à moi qu'une autre cible. Je vais vous essuyez avec de la précision le type du quel n'a jamais été vu sur cette Terre, marques mes mots putains. Vous pensez que vous pouvez vous en tirer en disant que la merde pour moi en le marais? Détrompez-vous, baiseur. Pendant que nous parlons je contacte mon réseau secret d'espions à travers les Ohio et je trace votre Gemme d'Âme dès maintenant afin de mieux vous préparer à la tempête, mouche. La tempête qui efface la petite chose pathétique vous appelez votre vie. Tu est putain de morts, gamin. Je peux être n'importe où, n'importe quand, et je peux vous tuer plus de sept cent façons, et c'est seulement avec mes mains nues. Non seulement est-ce que je suis beaucoup entraîné au combat sans armes, mais j'ai l'accès à tout l'arsenal du Corps Magiques des Ohio, que j'utiliserai à sa pleine mesure pour t'essuyer le cul misérable de la surface du continent, petite merde. Si seulement vous pouviez avez connu ce châtiment impie que votre petit commentaire "intelligent" était sur le point de faire tomber sur vous, peut-être que vous auriez tenu ta putain de langue. Mais vous ne pouviez pas, vous n'avez pas, et maintenant vous payez le prix, vous putain d'idiot. Je vais chier de la fureur sur vous et vous aller y noyer. Tu es putain de mort, gamin."

Karkat was at a loss for words, he couldn't believe that an insult he couldnt even understand could hurt him so much.

"We just want to help you!" Shrek plead, and Karkat looked around nervously.

"I'M GETTING MEENAH ON THIS CASE." Karkat said as he started to walk away, but Cory grabbed his wrist.

"M-Meena est... M-Meena...elle vit?" Cory asked, but he knew it was useless. "Ma- Ma- Cherie?" Ma caché poulette enfant? Ma averse des crayons? Ma-"

"OKAY SHUT THE FUCK UP." Karkat was tired of hearing Cory speak.

"Ma dent de destinée?"

"SHUT-"

"La créme de drame psychologique?"

"NO."

"Je suis desolé..." Karkat could tell that was an apology.

"I'M SORRY MAN. IT'S JUST THAT WHILE WE BOTH LIKE YOU AS A PERSON, YOU'RE BEING KINDA, UM, A LITTLE OVER THE TOP ABOUT YOUR SITUATION. JUST CALM DOWN AND KNOW WE'RE HERE FOR YOU." Karkat hugged Cory, and Shrek felt mildly jealous. He knew, however, this was necessary. "I THINK I KNOW A PLACE YOU CAN STAY. IT'S AN ABANDONED APARTMENT NEAR MY HOUSE, WELL NOT ABANDONED, IT WAS OWNED BY MY FRIEND ARADIA. SHE, YOU KNOW, DIED."

"Je prendrai il!" Cory said and shook Karkat's hand with both of his. "Vous menez le façon!" Cory linked arms with both Shrek and Karkat, and they skipped out of the swamp.

* * *

 

"ALRIGHT, DOES THIS LOOK GOOD ENOUGH?" Karkat spread his arms around a ratty, decayed apartment. There was only one room, and the shitter was right in the center, concealed by only a curtain. The only bed in there had several holes in the bedspread, and the 'kitchen' was just a campfire and a box of matches.

"Karkat, this place looks like Shit, no offense." Shrek said as he stepped in a little bit more, and killed a maggot.

"I ASKED CORY, NOT YOU. CORY WHAT DO YOU THINK?" Karkat turned around and saw the disappointed human boy try to force a nice look.

"Je...j-je." Cory was holding back tears, that toilet was too much.

 "Karkat, I think we should find a different place." Shrek said.

"YEAH... SORRY CORY." Karkat pushed open the door, which fell down at the very touch of Karkat's fingers. Karkat led them down the steps of the broken apart apartment complex and lead them to a trailer park. Shrek had a feeling that Karkat was a dumbass when it came to places someone could stay, but he didn't say that. Karkat knocked on the door and a troll boy in a wheelchair with a hornspan wider than the door and brown, bloodshot eyes answered.

"yO,,, KARKAT,,, MAN,,, HOW YOU,,," The troll boy burped after saying those words, "wHO ARE YOUR FRIENDS,,,"

"HAVEN'T YOU BEEN GOING TO SCHOOL?" Karkat said in a tone that would get him grounded. "THIS IS SHREK, MY MOIRAIL, AND THIS IS CORY, OUR FRIEND WHO'S BEEN CURSED TO SPEAK ONLY FRENCH FOR PROBABLY THE REST OF HIS LIFE." Shrek felt uncomfortable with this situation, and he could feel Cory was too.

"i DROPPED OUT LAST YEAR DUUUUUUDE,,," The troll boy sipped a drink labelled "Faygo" and took a huge drink of it. "sCHOOL IS FOR LOSERS,,,"

"EVER SINCE YOU AND GAMZEE GOT TOGETHER YOU TWO HAVE ACTED EXACTLY THE SAME. TAVROS, WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO LEARN THAT'S NOT HEALTHY."

"nUH UH,,,, uNTRUE,,," Tavros belched loudly, and Shrek thought of his father and how he used to do that after eating an onion, not the ten layered one of course.

"Yo MoThErFuCk. Is ThAt My MoThErFuCkInG mOtHeRfUcKeR kArKaT." Said the troll boy laying on Tavros's couch. He flopped off the couch and drunkenly walked towards the door. As he came to the doorway, he slipped and knocked Tavros and his wheelchair out of the trailer.

"aHHHHHHHH,,, sHIT,,,, iT HURTS,,, sO,, gOOD,!" Tavros screamed in pain, "kARKAT,,, oGRE,, wEIRD HUMAN BOY,,, hELP,," Shrek used his muscular ham to lift the helpless troll boy up back into his wheelchair and slid him up the ramp into his trailer.

"AaAaAaAaA mOtHeRfUcK," Gamzee burped mid sentence,"bRuH bRuH kArKaT wE gOtS sO mUcH tO cAtCh Up On!"

"SHREK, CORY, WE'RE LEAVING." Karkat said as he started to walk away, Shrek closely following.

"NoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo~! KaRbRo!!!!!!!!!!!!" Gamzee slipped out of the trailer and passed out. Shrek stopped to look at Gamzee's pathetic, troll body to feel better about himself as an ogre. Shrek looked inside the trailer and saw that Tavros was passed out too. Shrek decided to be a good ogre and take both Gamzee and Tavros and lay them on their couch. As Shrek approached the doorway, he could hear a faint noise coming from Gamzee that sounded like "CaN't SlEeP wItHoUt HoLdIn On To A mOtHeRfUcKeR..." Shrek looked back and smiled, but as he turned around he slipped on an empty bottle of Faygo. He had a short make out session with the floor while he tried to get up; it was very sticky down there. As Shrek ripped his face off the ground, tearing off whatever facial hair possibilities that lied in his almost sixteen year old face, he saw something surprising.

Two soul gems (and a big fat dildo, but that's not as important).

"SHREK," A voice behind the now terrified young Ogre said, "SHREK, I GOT SOME BAD NEWS." Karkat looked down at Shrek with a worried expression, "CORY 'THE HOUSE' BAXTER IS MISSING."


	3. Come Baxter Cory!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shrek and Karkat look for their lost friend, Cory.

It was Shrek's birthday, April 22nd, and Cory was nowhere to be found. He didn't have the heart to tell Karkat that he'd found those two soul gems, the sign of potential competition or witches was there. The poor emo troll boy was too stressed. Shrek didn't understand why Karkat missed Cory, the two didn't like each other very much. Karkat still came over to The Swamp for Shrek's birthday, with a present in hand.

"SHREK, THROUGH IT ALL, YOU'VE BEEN SUCH A GOOD FRIEND TO ME." Karkat smiled through his pained visage, "I WANT YOU TO HAVE THIS." He handed the wrapped box to Shrek and eagerly watched Shrek as he undid the bow and took off the top. It was the entire Game of Thrones series, books Shrek had always wanted to buy, but never had the money for. Shrek was filled with an ogre load of sentiment.

"Ah, c'mere you little candy corn vampire." Shrek said to Karkat and pulled him into a hug, "No homo though."

"I KNOMO, NO HOMO." Karkat replied in a tear stricken voice, "NO HOMO. NO RED FEELINGS. ONLY PALE FEELINGS." Karkat tightened his arm around Shrek a bit though, which they both mentally admit was kinda gay. After a ton of crying, Karkat looked up at Shrek.

"What is it Karkat?" Shrek asked.

"WE NEED TO FIND CORY, SHREK." Karkat said, "I FUCKING MISS HIM."

"Don't worry Brogre, we will." Shrek said.

* * *

 

Shrek and Karkat had been walking in the swamp for hours before they said anything to each other.

"SO SHREK, HOW DOES IT FEEL KNOWING THAT SOON WE'LL ONLY HAVE TWO MORE YEARS LEFT OF HIGH SCHOOL?" Karkat said, "CLASS OF 2102..."

"God, I don't want to think about it." Shrek shook his head, but in reality he'd do fine as an adult, as he already lived on his own. "Do you think it's normal in high schools to have a weird religion teacher who's a furry-"

"THAT TURNS YOU INTO A WITCH FIGHTING MACHINE." Karkat interrupted, but Shrek didn't mind.

"Yeah, that turns you into a witch fighting machine." Shrek laughed, "Oh GOD dude. Dude, Brogre remember when I was scene?"

"DON'T EVEN MENTION THAT HOLY SHIT."

"Yeah, my hair was horrible. A giant triangle, really past Shrek?"

"I THOUGHT IT WAS SOME ILLUMINATI REFERENCE." Karkat said as he slipped and landed in mud, "FUUUUUUUUUCK. THIS IS MY TROLL OUT BOY SHIRT. SHIT. FUCK." Shrek looked down at where his foot was and saw a piece of crumpled, muddy paper.

Shrek examined the note for a moment, knowing that he cannot read it and may never find Cory. Karkat loomed over his shoulder, on the verge of tears, but then Shrek realized,

"KARKAT, Cory's name is misspelled!" Shrek yelled at the little candy corn elf, "Do you know what this means!?"

"THAT THIS ISN'T THE SAME CORY??" Karkat said as he wrung mud out of his shirt.

"No Karkorge! He's been Cory-napped!" Shrek and Karkat exchanged glances and both came to the unspoken realization that they were in a trap.  Both pulled out their soul gems and transformed into their magical girl clothing, Karkat getting his freshly washed Crabsuit covered in worm shit. Neither of them were in real danger yet, but there was a suspense about this cavity of Shreks beloved swamp that rubbed them the wrong way. Shrek hastily walked forward while Karkat closely followed, repeatedly making sure they weren't being followed. As Shrek turned around to face Karkat, a trident came flying their way, missing Karkat by an inch.

"WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW. AR-E YOU FUCKING S-ERIOUS." A voice from a tree came. "L-EMM-E R-EDO T)(AT PL-EAS-E!"

" **MEENAH??** " Karkat double yelled, as his normal voice is already yelling.

"Y-EA)(, BITC)(!" Meenah laughed manically, "I'M A MAGICAL GIRL TOO."

"BUT-" Karkat's eyes were full of tears, red mutant tears he had to hold back.

"I N-EV-ER R-EALLY CAR-ED KARLAT-"

"KAR... **KAT** " Karkat double yelled for the 'Kat' part of his name.

"Y-EA)(, KARKAT. Whatevs honestly. I was just in it for the extra soul gems." Meenah chuckled, unlike Knuckles who is unlike Sonic who chuckles, "This Cory asshole tho, he believes I'm his dumb granny grandma friend or some shit. He does my bidding better than you ever could."

 "Don't you mean Grief Seeds..." Shrek chimed in.

"O)( )(O )(O )(O O)( NO BUDDY." Meenah's face contorted into a sick, twisted grin, "MY WIS)(, WAS TO B-E ABL-E TO ABSORB TH-E LIF-E FORC-E FROM OT)(ER SOUL G-EMS."

Shrek and Karkat looked at eachother, full of pure terror. Meenah was on the road to being unstoppable. Shrek did something he promised he'd never do from the moment he had become a magical girl.

He opened the tenth layer of the onion, and Shrek thought of his father.

* * *

 

Shrek had an interesting talk with Gendo that night:

"Gendogre, how could you!?" Shrek had said after activating his onion belt.

"How could I what, eat this delicious steak pie?" said Gendo, for he was eating his dinner, a delicious steak pie.

"Meenah!" Shrek was crying, the thought of his father...

"Who?"

"You know who!"

"No I don't." Gendo burped.

"She's Karkat's ex girlfriend..." Shrek clarified.

"Oooooooooh, the magenta bitch. Yeah, she's not in our magical faction." Gendo wiped his face, "Not my problem."

"Magical faction?"

"Yeah, each incubator has their own group of magical girls they look over. The other ones make fun of me because mine always die off very quickly..." Gendo had sent shivers down Shrek's spine with those words.

"..."

"Don't worry tho, it's just because the people who go to your high school are complete fucking assholes and don't know when to stop." Gendo took a huge bite of his dinner, a delicious steak pie. "You and Karkat aren't assholes- well Karkat kinda is- but still, he's a special asshole."

"True." Shrek had been comforted by this sentence, "But do you know who Meenah's supervisor is?" and Gendo thought for a minute.

"Lord Farquad."

 

* * *

 

When Cory showed up for school the Monday after Spring Break, Shrek and Karkat decided to confront him and have a little chat.

They saw him walk past their table during lunch, and they followed him to the bathroom. Right as Cory walked in Karkat yelled for his attention.

"HEY ASSHOLE, EXPLAIN THIS!" Karkat said as he shoved the muddy note from Meenah into Cory's face.

"AUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH! J'AI PENSÉ VOUS ÊTES PARTIS TROUVER MOI!!!" Cory yelled.

' **WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN!** " Karkat double yelled.

"Did you forget he only spoke broken French..?" Shrek asked.

"NO!" Karkat said and turned to face Cory, "TELL ME, WAS THIS NOTE WRITTEN BY YOU OR NOT?!"

"NON, J'AI ÉCRIT UN MOT MAIS JE N'AI PAS ÉCRIT CE MOT!!!" Cory said, "C'EST ÉCRIT PAR MON TWIN FRÉRE MAL!!!

"Karkat, we can't even tell what he's saying..." Shrek tried to break them apart, but neither acknowledged him.

"NON, NON, NOOOOON! VOUS DEVOZ PARTIR!" Cory yelled, "MEENAH EST VIENDRA! ELLE DÉTRUIRA VOUS!"

"AUUUUUUUUUGH! JUST WRITE IT DOWN LIKE YOU DID WHEN YOU WERE EXPLAINING HOW GENDO FUCKED UP!" Karkat pulled out a pen and paper, both My Chemical Romance themed. He shoved them into Cory's hands and Cory pinned the paper to the bathroom wall and started scribbling shakily.

"HEY DON'T WRITE ON GERARD'S BEAUTIFUL FA-" said Karkat as the paper was inserted into his mouth.

Karkat's eye twitched, and Shrek covered his mouth to poorly hide his giggles.

"YOU EXPECT US. TO BELIEVE. THIS." Karkat said, "THIS LOOKS LIKE A FANFICTION PROMPT WRITTEN BY A 12 YEAR OLD!"

"C'EST VRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAI!" Cory said on the verge of tears, "KORY BACKSTER EST L'AUTRE 'CORY'...."

"I'm sorry Brogre, not even *I* believe that." Shrek chimed in with a haven't you people ever heard of, horrible fanfic prompts noooo. Shrek's onion belt vibrated, and Gendo's holographic face came out.

"He's telling the truth you assholes," Gendo said, "What happened is... Well this is my fault it's just..."

" _ **GET TO THE POINT!**_ " Karkat triple yelled, this is the angriest Shrek had seen him since the Once-ler incident...

"When Cory got his double wish, his 'brother', Kory, became evil and full of hate." Gendo looked down, "Kory, is Cory's witch and he-"

"TU ES UN CUL!!!!!!!!" Cory was fucking pissed, but Gendo was not in the mood to deal with hormonal teenagers today.

"Kay, I believe it's VOUS when you're talking to an authority figure. Anyways, what Kory does is he imitates a magical girl, but he's really sapping the life from real magical girls."

"Like Meenah?" Shrek asked.

"Yes," Gendo said, "and with Meenah's powers of manipulation, they're unstoppable. I believe that they will fuse and create the ultimate witch in the near future... Also, Cory, she was going to take your soul gem anyways so either way you're fucked now that you're under her influence and have that awful tattoo of a duck on your left asscheek..." Cory looked down in shame, Shrek knew he just wanted to be safe from Meenah's horrors. He wanted to embrace Cory in a long hug, and tell him everything was going to be alright.

A tear came out of Cory's eye, his right eye specifically.

"Je... Je... JE DOIS PARTIR!" He shouted as he tried to run out of the bathroom, but ran face first into the single Ogre urinal. Cory lay there, helpless, until Shrek lifted him back to his feet.

"Cory, I know this is hard but, you need to make a decision." Shrek said endearingly, "You will be without a soul gem either way so: Us or Meenah?"

"V-Vous..." Cory's eyes welled up with tears. "Nous..." Shrek was yanked into a hug, Karkat reluctantly joined.

"SAY NO HOMO," Gendo was covering his eyes, "PLEASE, GOD. OWWWWWWWWWW."

"No(n) Homo." said all three of the boys simultaneously.

* * *

 

During dinner at his house, Shrek had decided to finally tell Karkat about the soul gems he found in Tavros's trailer.

"FUCKING WHAT?" Karkat said as he yanked on his own hair, "OOOOOOOOH NO THIS IS BAD."

"I'm sorry Brogre! It's just that-"

"NO NO NO. I AM NOT BLAMING YOU. I'M BLAMING MYSELF." Karkat said in a way so angsty you could feel the spirit of Gerard Way come down from Emo Heaven and fill the room. "WHEN I DATED ONCIE-CHAN, GAMZEE WOULD FIGHT WITH HIM ALL THE TIME. I SHOULD'VE BEEN A BETTER AUSTRALIAN PIECE BETWEEN THEM."

"Brogre, what do you mean?" Shrek asked while Cory screamed at people in French over Call Of Duty 69: Futuristic Dog Warfare.

"SHREK. I THINK GAMZEE WISHED TO BREAK UP ME AND ONCIE." Karkat looked outside of Shrek's window. "OR TO CONTROL RELATIONSHIPS. OR SOMETHING. THAT'S WHY HE HAS TAVROS'S LOVE NOW..."

"Why did they fight, brogre?"

"BECAUSE... ONCIE QUIT MARCHING BAND... AND GAMZEE WAS UPSET BECAUSE HE WAS THE ONLY MEMBER WHO PLAYED THE ALTO SAXOPHONE..." Karkat looked to Cory, who was screaming at some college boy and his friends over his Xbox 69420, "THE MARCHING BAND HATES ME NOW, BUT THEY'RE OUR ONLY HOPE."

"Doesn't the marching band have your older brother in it?"

"KANKRI? OOOOOOOOH MAN. KANKRI HATED ME BEFORE ALL THIS SHIT. LOL HE DOESN'T EVEN PLAY, HE JUST SLAMS SYMBOLS TOGETHER AND YELLS AT THE PEOPLE WHO PLAY THE FLUTES."  Shrek suddenly remembered how he saw Kankri outside of the stripclub that one fateful evening, but he decided not to say anything. "SHREK MAN. YOU KNOW WHAT WE GOTTA DO?"

"What-" Shrek asked, briefly interrupted by Cory yelling in French, "What do we have to do?"

"We have to interrogate the band kids." Karkat looked Shrek deep in the retinas, the back of the eye. "The Black Parade."

When Shrek and Karkat arrived at school, the music teacher gave them a hard truth.

"Look kid, I'm sorry," Said Goku, the Leader of the Black Parade, "There's nothing we can do about Gamzee."

"NO, THERE HAS TO BE!" Karkat yelled, "THE POWER OF GERARD WAY NEVER FAILS!!!" Goku rolled his eyes at that.

"Gerard Way has been gone for 1000 years, what makes you think that he'll come back just to save your friend?" And Karkat shut down, there was no hope for these lemons. "Listen, kid. I don't know what happened with your friend, but I doubt we can help you now. You need to destroy Gamzee Makara."

 "I DON'T BELIEBE IT!" Karkat yelled so hard his soul gem ring slipped off. Goku gasped so hard he went super saiyan.

"YOU?? ARE A MAGICAL GIRL??" Goku asked, "TWINSIES!!!!" He said as he hugged Karkat, nearly crushing his scrawny emo ribs.

"I'm a magical girl too..." Shrek said, feeling left out. Goku smiled.

"Dude, the entire Black Parade is magical girls- Why do you think we have such cool outfits?"

"WAIT REALLY, IS THAT WHY GAMZEE HAD A SOUL GEM???" Karkat bit his lips, "IT ALL MAKES SENSE NOW, GAMZEE GOT HIS SOUL GEM FROM YOU AND NOT LORD FARQUAD!!"

"Wait, Gamzee isn't a witch is he?" Goku's smile disappeared.

"No, not yet," Shrek reaffirmed, "Why?"

"Because Gamzee's witch, would more than likely be so powerful-" Goku looked up, "That you would never see your friend again.. Not even the Black Parade in it's whole would be able to defeat him, not even if we still had the Once-Ler.

After that conversation, Shrek and Karkat never saw Goku again. When they went to go talk to him during lunch, all that was left of him was his tail.

* * *

 

"GERARD WAY, HOW COULD YOU!!!!!!!?" Karkat mourned, for he was disappointed in the lack of protection of the Black Parade. Karkat slammed his body against Shrek and hugged him. "THIS IS ALL MEENAH'S FAULT."

"Don't worry Brogre, he could still be out there." Shrek patted Karkat's head, "Goku is a busy man."

"Est-ce que pensez-vous il a devenu une sorcière?" Cory said, "La Parade Noire sont les communistes et les socialistes. Ils partage des graines de chagrins."

"So you're saying that maybe he couldn't clean his soul gem in time?" Shrek asked Cory, he had begun to understand his broken French after studying it on the down low.

Cory Nodded. "Oui, Meenah et ses amis voulaient disperser La Parade Noir."

"What does this have to do with Meenah?" Shrek asked through Karkat's sobs.

"Meenah est responsable pendant Goku perd sa personne. Elle vole les grains de chagrins, et mon cœur..."

"Cory!" Shrek was offended that this sad little man was crushing on the enemy.

"JE SUIS DESOLE! J'AIME DES FILLES MAL!" Cory hung his head in shame after that statement.

The rest of the day was plagued by silence, aside from Algebra II where the teacher, Paul Blart, had crashed his segway trying to get into the class. Shrek was glad that he didn't have to hear Paul Blart talk anymore, his entire movie was shit. Shrek chuckled as they took Blart out on a stretcher, for he was screaming "DON'T MESS WITH MY MALL!!!!"

After a long two hours, Shrek was finally allowed to go home. He walked to Karkat's locker and waited for him and Cory to come, but they never did. After about half an hour, Shrek was filled with worry about his two best friends. He thought about Freshman year, how he got bullied for being an ogre, how he became a magical girl. Above all, Shrek thought of Terezi, in religion class. He was weeping, weeping with regret, weeping with betrayal, weeping, weeping. And when Karkat and Cory came out of the class they apparently had detention in, Shrek knew who the biggest asshole was. The biggest asshole, was Terezi.

"DUDE ARE YOU CRYING?" Karkat had a concerned expression, "WE WE'RE ONLY GONE HALF AN HOUR BECAUSE WE REMOVED SOME PARTS FROM MR. BLART'S SEGWAY AND INDIRECTLY BROKE HIS NECK."

"Heh, c'était amusement, eh, Cul de Crabe?" Cory chuckled, remembering skipping class with Karkat to watch Blart be taken out on a stretcher, "C'effectue me veux insérer des oeufs dans mon cul."

 "CORY I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU SAID BUT I AGREE." Karkat said seriously, but was in dismay when he heard Cory laugh in French. They started an argument, and Shrek felt left out from his own friend group. He started to walk away from them, sad, he felt his emotional layers deteriorate. He expected Karkat to come running back to him, full of love and pale feelings, but once again, he had been replaced. Shrek looked back, and saw that neither Cory nor Karkat was there. Shrek thought of Karkat, and all the memories they shared. He was weeping, weeping with friendship, weeping with heartbreak, weeping, weeping, weeping. And as he stared into the desolate space where Karkat stood a minute ago, he knew at last what the right thing to do was. The right thing to do, was to go and cry at the beach.

Shrek sobbed at the beach for four and a half hours, but it felt like less. Probably because he passed out twice or because ogre's lifespans are longer than most humans and some lower blooded trolls. Shrek thought of his father and back to his childhood: The Onion Fields.


	4. The Onion Fields

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shrek reflects on what happened to his father on the Onion Fields along with what caused him to become scene.

"Shrek! Shrek! Shrekypoo, wake up! You're going to be late for school!~" The young ogre boy opened his eyes, it was his first day of 8th grade at a new school called 'Alternia'. His family wasn't well liked by the trolls or the humans, so each year they'd move from swamp to swamp. This time, however, they'd taken a seemingly permanent residence in the Onion Fields just outside of their former swamp. His father had claimed that in the onion fields they'd be safe from everything that could possibly hurt them, but really, were they?

Shrek sat up in bed and stretched, his tuft of hair all messed up. He could use a good Onion Waffle just about now. Shrek walked to the bathroom, passing by his younger 'brother', Donkey, on the way there. He then, went through his morning routine of taking a shower, fixing up his hair, and cleaning his teeth. After gawking at himself in the mirror for about a minute, making sure he had no toothpaste stuck in the corner of his mouth, he was ready for breakfast. Shrek stumbled down the stairs, excited for some waffles made with love by his own mother. The ogre walked into the kitchen to see his younger brother, chowing down all the waffles at the speed of light. Shrek was in tears, and called for his mother, who would end the crime that Donkey was committing.

"Oh, Shreky, don't worry, I packed you some for lunch." His mother smiled, "I packed you some for lunch. You have to understand that donkeys eat more than Ogres when they're very young. Remember how much Grandpa ate? He was 1/4th Donkey." Shrek was comforted, at least he would be able to fit some waffles into the day. Shrek walked outside with his backpack slung over one arm. His father, who was working on the Onion Fields, looked at the young boy and told him to wear his backpack properly. Shrek dejectedly wore his backpack using both straps. He walked through the swamp, something his parents had specified him to do so he wouldn't get heckled by trolls or humans, to the bus stop. When he had arrived, there were only two other students there, both were human. A girl, with short, blonde hair, and a boy, who looked very nerdy and had a huge overbite. Both of them were wearing outlandish clothing that Shrek was curious about.

"Excuse me, sir and madame," Shrek tried to be proper with the humans, so they would think highly of him, "I would just like to say those outfits are very fabulous and unique. Would you mind telling me where you bought them?"

The boy stared with wide eyes, and the girl held back chuckles.

"We bought them at Hot Topic, it's scene fashion. It's what all the cool kids are doing." The girl said, but was shut down by the boy a second later.

"Actually Rose, it's emo!" He piped.

"Oh John, just because that stubby horned troll says it's emo doesn't mean it is." Rose rolled her eyes, "Besides, it's all the same anyways." Rose looked at Shrek and studied him. He sported a sweater vest and standard jeans. "You seem to be in need of a make-over."

"Yeah! I wish my mom would let me though, she says that scene fashion is the one thing she never wants me doing!" Shrek pined after the thought of becoming scene, "I want to be a cool kid like you guys!" Rose broke into laughter and John had a sick smile, but Shrek thought that they had liked him. Just maybe, someone did, for once.

As they boarded the bus, Shrek caught sight of a few other students: A troll boy with four horns, listening to music via oversize headphones; next to him, a sad looking troll girl with big, curly ram-like horns (when she saw Shrek she made a halfhearted smile and waved. Shrek quickly looked away out of embarrassment.); A seemingly drunk human girl sat in the back, and appeared to be making out with her backpack; the human next to her, the last student Shrek looked at before he sat down, was scrunched up against the side of the bus in clear discomfort, adjusting his pointy shades every few minutes and glaring at her. This particular boy looked slightly older than the other students. Rose and John took up the last two seats, so Shrek had to pick between the floor or the back of the bus with the strange human girl. Shrek decided that sitting in the back would garner less unwanted attention. As he brushed off his seat and got comfortable, the human with the pointy glasses sighed out of relief and looked at Shrek.

"Yo, thank GOD, you sat between me and her. She's had a major crush on me since 5th grade and now she's trying to impress me by doing, eugh, THAT" The boy pointed to the tipsy human licking her backpack, "Like how fucked up is that? Seriously. We both get held back a few years and she suddenly thinks its fate holding us at this shitty establishment so we can be together."

"Maybe you should just tell her it bothers you," Shrek said, "maybe then she will stop."

"Good God are you new or something? There's no stopping Roxy Lalonde." The boy said and looked out the window. Shrek felt slightly rejected, but he was comforted by the new pallet of people whom he would be meeting today.

As the bus screeched up to Alternia Middle School, Shrek thought of his father, on the Onion Fields. He hoped that he was having a good time with his new job of collecting onions for their family. Shrek let everyone on the bus get off before him, and said thank you to the bus driver, Paul Blart. Shrek slicked back his hair and smiled at the visage of this new domain he would visit for seven hours a day, five times a week. His first period was algebra one- Honors, which made his dear old mother proud. The teacher, Ms. Ayanami, seemed to be a wonderful lady, until Shrek realized that there were three Ms. Ayanamis who all looked and acted the same. He decided to brush that off for the time being. When lunch came around, Shrek was ready to make some friends. The ogre stumbled around, wondering where he could find friendship. He stopped John and Rose, sulking in a corner next to a short troll boy with equally tiny horns. On that troll boy's lap laid a beautiful, pointy horned troll girl with lovely red eyes. Shrek was going to approach them, but the troll glared at him, and watched him like a hawk until he was out of sight. Shrek spent half an hour looking for friendship in this lonely, lonely place, and it happened every day for around a month, until a fateful event had come to town.

* * *

 

John Egbert was transferring to a private school, and he had to give up his scene/emo look. The overbite clad boy thought none other than Shrek was worthy of these articles of clothing.

"F-for me?" Shrek asked.

"Of course!" John smiled, "Well not of course really, I offered Rose but she refused. Karka- I mean Emokat wouldn't fit into them, so you're the only candidate for these."

"Th-thank you!" Shrek blushed, "I'll cherish these forever!" He said as he held up a t-shirt that said 'Gir lieks waffles and mudkipz'. Shrek, however, wasn't going to go full scene yet. Rose said he required SOME type of angst to be scene: She had her mother and her cousin to deal with; Whoever Emokat was had all his ex boyfriends to worry about; and John was angsty over his dad's obsession over Betty Crocker. Shrek, had nothing to be angsty about; He was a little green bean of love and caring. Rose then warned about the dangers of being scene, and how the popular scene kids at Alternia were up to no good. They called themselves, 'The Farsquad'.

"Just make sure you never, EVER be like them." The Scene Girl stated, "EVER." Deep down, Shrek believed all The Farsquad needed was love, but he couldn't express that to a girl like Rose. She had a black and white view of this group of kids, and Shrek was forced to respect that whether he liked it or not.

The only teacher Shrek had liked at this school was Mr. Dualscar, who was the father of one of the students. It was clear from the start- Mr. Dualscar just did not give a wet (or dry) fuck. The PE class he taught, or more accurately explained as supervising, was foolproof passable. Even if you did not do the work he gave you, Mr. Dualscar would still pass you just to avoid PTA moms from challenging him to Yugi-Oh battles. Dualscar had already lost the deed to his house in a Yugi-Oh Battle against Jane Crocker- John Egbert's hot cousin who just graduated from high school.

"Thank God she and her cousin are never coming back," Dualscar had said one day while taking roll, "I have to live in a ditch with my son and his deadbeat brother. Alright you little assholes, go run a lap around that shitty tree or something while I go watch Bob's Burgers in the lunchroom and wonder where my life went wrong." Nobody that period ran. Nobody besides Eridan, who desperately wanted to impress his father in this dark time. However, Eridan might as well be nobody.

"Hey, kid, what's youuuuuuuur name?" A slurry voice asked Shrek, "Whhhhharrrrrrrrrrrrt.... Whatss hyoure name?" It was the drunk girl from the bus, Roxy Lalonde.

"I'm Shrek!"

"Juuuuuuuuuust Shrekkkkkk?" Roxy fell face first on the pavement, but continued to talk, "Nnnnnothiiiiiiing else? Noooooooooo Lasssssssst Name?"

"Onionberg is my last name, but are you alright miss?" Shrek's only answer was the girls loud snoring. Shrek lifted the human into his arms and started to carry her to the nurse's office. He was not one to stand for child neglect.

Shrek explained the situation to the nurse and she called Shrek 'noble' for helping his classmate in this time of need, and gave him a gold star. Shrek paraded around lunch feeling like a Greek God, surely he would make many many friends with this badge. Still, nobody wanted to be his friend. When sixth period came, Shrek was already tired, and the teacher Mr. Fazbear was not having any of it.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH." Mr. Fazbear said to waken Shrek, and the robot bear succeeded. Shrek was in tears.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, PLEASE, ANYTHING BUT THE SUIT!" and the whole class laughed at the onion shaped ogre boy. Tears streaked down Shrek's face, but those were partially tears of joy, for he finally had something to be angsty about. Shrek Onionberg could finally be a scene kid.

 When the bus came to school, Shrek was ecstatic. He was the first person on. He couldn't wait to be in that beautiful My Chemical Romance T-shirt John had given him. The bus came to a halt and he practically jumped out and ran into the swamp. A few of his fellow students stared at the strange ogre boy, not knowing of the fate he would be bestowing upon himself the next day.

When Shrek got home, the first thing he saw was his father, tending to the onion fields. Shrek's father was a stout ogre man with a short beard, his age only showed when you looked at his hands. Every night, his wife would moisturize his face. The middle aged man did not like it, but the man would do anything for his wife. Shrek ran up to his father and pulled him into a great big hug, hurting the man's back, but he didn't seem to care. They went through the normal routine: Shrek being asked how school was, him saying good, and then Mr. Onionberg returning to his harvests while Shrek ran inside to greet his mother. This time, however, the young ogre stopped in his tracks.

"Oh yeah, dad, guess what?" Shrek had a wide grin on his face.

"Yes son?" The old ogre stretched to crack his back.

"I'm gonna be a scene kid!" Shrek piped excitedly, and his old man's eyes glazed over. It was time, for young Shrek to learn the truth.

"Son... I'm-I-I'm.... I NEED TO TALK TO YOUR MOTHER!" Mr. Onionberg ran past his son and into their house. Shrek had never seen his father so distressed before. Shrek heard yelling coming from inside his house, and he was faced with the hard decision of staying outside and waiting, or going inside to investigate. Shrek sulked and decided a short walk around The Onion Fields would be best.

"OH NO LARRY, OH NOOOOOO. THERE'S NO WAY OUR SON IS GOING TO ASSOCIATE WITH THAT FILTH!" Shrek heard as he stepped exactly seven meters away from his front door. He needed to find out why his mother was so angry, and what his father was so worried about. As Shrek inched closer and closer to the door, he felt increasingly anxious, he could no longer make words from the yelling. For a solid minute, he stood there, with his hand centimeters away from the doorknob. Shrek didn't want to, but he had to. Shrek opened the door.

Shrek saw his father, wearing a My Chemical Romance T-Shirt and Panic! at the Disco leggings. His hair was a mess, with little Gir action figures prodding out of it. Shrek's mother was standing there, in shock and Donkey in awe.

"Martha.. Donkey... This is who I really am..." Mr. Onionberg turned around at the noise of his elder son opening the door. The Middle-Aged Ogre man abruptly turned around, seeing the only person in his family that accepted him. "Shrek... Son... I... I'm so proud of you..." Shrek's father then walked outside of the house, and Shrek stood there for a moment, looking at his mother and Donkey. The Ogre woman and the Donkey were exchanging glances. But Shrek had no time for any sort of communication, he had to clear things up with his father. He had to talk to him. Shrek followed his father outside to The Onion Fields, but he wasn't there.

* * *

The next morning, Shrek donned the 'Gir lieks waffles and mudkipz' t-shirt and ripped rainbow skinny jeans that he'd gotten from John. He wrapped four belts around his waist, and broke out his mom's eye liner. Shrek did a two centimeter wide circle of eyeliner and styled his hair into a large triangle with a tiger print streak.

 He leaned against the lamppost at the bus stop, holding a pissed off visage. He was the first one there, so nobody else got to see the new level of scene he had achieved. Shrek saw a scene boy, with a large, rainbow tipped bowlcut obscuring his face. His black shirt had a mirror printed the center, that said "F A R Q U A D". Behind him, was three boys, two trolls and one human. One troll had a broken horn, but that didn't scare Shrek.

"Sup, Cornlord." said the bowlcut wearing young man.

"Hello, asshole." Shrek whipped his huge triangle hair, stating his dominance as scene king.

"Excuse me? Nobody calls Lord Farquad an asshole." Farquad pointed to the Ogre, "Get 'em boys."

Both of the trolls pulled out stalks of corn and bolted at Shrek, Shrek thought of his father. As one of the corn stalks cut off Shrek's tiger print streak, he knew that this may be his last day alive.

Suddenly, both corns split into two, causing Shrek's eyes to widen. Infront of him, was a girl wearing a fancy looking red dress, holding a giant spoon. Or was it a fork?

"I WILL NOT TOLERATE YOU BULLYING THIS INNOCENT EMO!" The girl patted Farquad's head with her spork repeatedly."IF YOU DO, I'M GOING TO GET OUT MY YUGI-OH CARDS AGAIN. KAY ASSHOLE?" It was clear Farqaud shit himself. The punk ran away, his posse following closely behind. The girl took in a deep breath, and glared at Shrek. "You." She said, those words struck Shrek like a trident to the heart.

"Yes," Shrek felt himself sweating, "m-me?"

"What are you doing," Jane took in another deep breath, "at the fuckin bus stop at 3 in the morning."

"It's scene..." Shrek felt tears welling up in his eyes

"Go back home kid," Jane looked away, "I dislike scenies."

"B-but they were attacking me! With Corn!" Shrek pleaded, and the human girl suddenly transformed from her fancy red dress into an emo t shirt that said KORN with a strange screaming man.

"We're all corn on the inside." Jane turned around, hesitated for a moment, and then ran off into the night.

Shrek didn't remember falling asleep, but there was a foot tapping his face. And it was tapping hard. He jolted awake, only to be greeted by a foot to the face.

"D--> Hey you missed sch00l. 'Dumbass.'" It was the troll boy with the broken horn, "D--> You should probably go home though, before Farquad sees you. This was a crime against scenes."

"Woah, woah, woah. Wait dude. Didn't you try to slaughter me with corn last night?" Shrek was skeptical of this sweaty young man, "Why are you talking to me? Why did you put dumbass in air quotes?"

"D--> I do it for the Corn," The boy refused to look at Shrek, "and I do it for my moirail."

"The fuck is a moirail?"

"D--> I will not tolerate your bad language."

"Hey! You called me dumbass, shitnerd."

"D--> I did it in quotes, it does not count." The Troll boy shook his head, "D--> And it is Illegal to say the fuck word."

"I... I just... Never mind." Shrek rubbed his wound, for the broken horned troll boy had been wearing cleats.

"D--> A moirail is like the deal with airline food, they will always be there to catch you when you start telling jokes that are not very STRONG."

"Alright... Uh... Bro... Why did you tell me to avoid Farqaud? Aren't you part of his clique?" Shrek asked. The troll boy turned a blue-ish gray color and leaned in close enough to see that this guy's sweat was spelling "OH SHIT" across his arms to emphasize that this was serious business.

"D--> Farquad," Broken Horn looked around to make sure he and Shrek were alone, " he forced me into the Farsquad so he could use my strength and corn wielding skills. D--> He is not really scene he is... he is-"

"Is there something you would like to tell me, Equius Bartholomew Zahhak?" Farquad was standing by the lampost, holding a bag of corn.

"D--> Run. D--> Run like the wind, little Ogre man!" Equius yelled at Shrek, but Shrek was already halfway towards the swamp's entrance.

"Oh Equius. Equius, Equius, Equius. Take him out, Wonka."

* * *

Shrek sprinted through the swamp, thinking of his father on the onion fields. He needed his protection from the bullies. Just this once. As Shrek stumbled into his front lawn, he tripped over a rather large onion. He then saw it, he saw her.

The Monster that had killed his father.

Shrek saw his father peel back the tenth layer of an onion, and he never saw his father again.


	5. Just Who is Meenah Peixes?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shrek ties up some loose ends his past left.

Shrek lay on the beach, streams of tears cover his no longer scene yet green face. He felt lonely, for the tenth layer of the onion always had an unknown effect. Especially on the user. Shrek just wished someway, somehow, that thing that came for his father was obliterated completely. The Onion Fields lost most of its Onion Content in the process. Shrek had to move yet again. He never found his mother either, leaving him and Donkey all alone, but now it was just him.

A crab was poking Shrek's arm, and Shrek thought of Karkat. Shrek himself felt a little ogre-dramatic for being Jealous of Cory.

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGUUUUUUUUH" Shrek jumped at the sound of the scream behind him. The crying ogre turned around and saw a familiar face.

"Mr. Fazbear?" Shrek's eyes widened and remembered his past.

"Yeah, lmao you can call me Freddy though." The robo-bear let out a laugh that sounded like two old men getting into a chainsaw fight. "I heard I scared you into an goth phase!"

The incorrect comparison bothered Shrek greatly, even though he wasn't scene anymore.

"Actually Mr. Fazbea- I mean Freddy, I was scene." Shrek informed his old math teacher.

"AHAHA," There it was again, the elders fighting with the chainsaws, "Shreky-boy! I'm a middle school teacher, I see those kinds of kids all the time. There is no difference between scene, emo and goth; The label depends on how much of a prick you are.

"Was I... A prick?" Shrek felt sort of hurt.

"Sometimes! but not always. That's why you were goth and not scene." Freddy sat down next to Shrek, "You know that suit I had in the back?"

Shrek shuddered, "Yeah..."

"Well I wasn't going to stuff you in it anyways!"

"Oh thank God..."

"Yeah, I couldn't because it already had someone in it!" Freddy laughed, "Anyways Chica is making some damn good lasagna and Bonnie will kill me if I don't go! See ya Shrek!"

And then Shrek was alone again.

The Ogre decided to take time to himself, by skipping stones and drawing things in the sand. As he was finishing his portrait of an Ampharos, he dug up a shard of a purple stone.

A piece of Eridan's soul gem.

* * *

Shrek arrived at home, wondering where his two best friends were. He slipped off his shoes, eyes full of tears and fumbled to his couch.

"Hey 2hrek." Shrek's eyes widened, could it be?

"SOLLUX!" Shrek tackled Sollux, who was laying on his couch. "HOW DID YOU GET OUT OF THE BARRIER??"

"Pfffft, II got out once II got iin." Sollux chuckled, "2ure II was riight next to the exiit, but II was on the exiit that lead to IIdaho. Lot2 of running, hiitchhiikiing, lonliine22..."

Shrek sat down next to the troll boy and put his hand on his shoulder.

"I'm here for you Sollux, you don't need to worry anymore."

"Oh 2hrek... You're 2o 2weet..." Sollux grinned, "2ay, where'2 KK?"

"Oh he's.... He's...." Shrek's happiness disappeared.

"Dead? Oh that fucker better not be dead he promii2ed me he wouldn't diie untiil he give2 me my copy of 2ma2h bro2 22 back."

"No he's... moved on..." Shrek felt uncomfortable as Sollux sighed loudly.

"2hrek fucking Onionberg, ALWAY2 jumping to conclu2iion2."

"Hey! You don't know what happened!"

"II don't need to 2hrek!" Sollux put his hands on Shrek's shoulders, "Maybe KK ju2t need2 hii2 2pace!!"

"GET OUTTA MY SWAMP!" Shrek pushed Sollux off and onto the floor, how did he get in here anyways?

Sollux looked up, his glasses had been knocked straight off.

"You're making a mii2take, 2hrek." Sollux spat up a tooth, "Nothing ii2 wrong and you're overreacting." Shrek started crying at this statement, and Sollux wiped his mouth. The troll boy pulled himself off the ground, and sat in his former place. "C'mon 2hrek, there'2 NO way KK hate2 you."

"I know Sollux, I know. I'm just moody because of all the stuff going on right now."

"Tell me all about it."

* * *

 

Shrek had spent an hour explaining to Sollux the whole enchilada. Meenah, Cory, Gamzee and Tavros, Farquad, all that shit.

"Wow, what happened while II wa2 gone?" Sollux sighed, "All the cool 2hiit happens when II'm gone."

"Are you sure you wanted to be in this whole drama?"

"Hell yeah, give2 me a reason to coat my2elf in honey every morning."

Shrek decided to ignore that comment. "I dunno Sollux, Meenah's pretty scary."

"I think 2he'2 making up the whole 'bleh bleh II can 2uck the life out of your 2oul gem2!' 2hiit tho."

"Hm..." Shrek thought for a moment, "Maybe..."

"You know what 2shrek?"

"What Sollux?"

"Meenah could be a wiitch." Sollux had a serious face on for the first time since Dualscar kicked him out of PE class years ago, "II mean iif 2he REALLY ha2 a power liike that...

"B-but her barrier..." Shrek's green face lost some of its color. "THERE'S NO WAY!"

"Oh there ii2," Sollux looked Shrek dead in the eye, "thii2 town ii2 her barriier."

Before Shrek could say anything, Karkat burst into the room seemingly drunk.

"HEYYYYYYYYYyyy gU-SHREK" Karkat slumped on the couch, "SHrek GUEss WHAT I JUST SAW"

"Uh Karkat are you okay?" Shrek asked as Sollux pulled out his iPhone 69 and started recording.

"I SAW. I sAW GAMZEE! TURN INte Inta WITCHHHHHHHHHHHH" Karkat inched closer to Sollux and started licking his face.

"Karkat, no." Shrek pulled Karkat off of Sollux, "Off to bed with you, me and Sollux will take on the witch."

"2ollux and II." Sollux corrected Shrek, but Karkat was more important to him than a grammar mistake. A hologram suddenly appeared from Shrek's belt.

"Hey uh, no rush but could you two-" Gendo paused in horror as he saw Sollux, who was wearing only a speedo, reveal his four nipples to this poor old man. "Okay anyways, there's a BIG witch coming your way, like I'm talking gigantic."

"2o?" Sollux said with a smirk, "II know 2omethiing that'2 probably even biigger."

Gendo smacked his forehead and sighed.

"This type of shit is why I gave Karkat the dangerous magic dufflebag instead of the one that would help dispose of Dave's dead body properly."

"Dave ii2 dead?" Sollux asked.

"Yes." said Shrek, "It's so sad, he was just a poor, lonely boy with a lot of pain surrounding his life."

"It's okay Sollux he was a dumbass." Gendo intercepted Shrek.

"Yeah that'2 true, 2orry 2hrek but he really wa2." Sollux said.

"Whatever." Shrek felt a twinge of his old sceneness go through his body, "Let's get back on the subject of the witch, Gendogre."

"The Witch goes by the name of 'Grand Highblood'" Gendo closed his eyes, "It seems to be stronger than any witch you've faced to this day."

"Okay, how do you know the wiitche2 name2." Sollux said.

"I make them up because they sound cool okay?"

"That doe2n't 2ound cool, what 2ound2 cool ii2 a biig ol' burriito from chiipotle."

"Goddammit Sollux!" Gendo yelled so loudly, he woke up Karkat.

"OH SHiiT BOYYYYY OOOOOO!!!!!!" Karkat moaned, "WHeRE'S COOOOOOOOOOOORY?" The stubby horned emo troll boy passed out again.

"Who'2 Cory?" Sollux asked.

"Can you just PLEASE focus on the witch?" Gendo raised his voice once more, "It's going to destroy the highschool in a matter of minutes."

* * *

 

As the Grand Highblood trudged slowly to the Highschool, Shrek and Sollux zipped through the swamp on a hoverboard shaped like male human genitalia. Shrek peeked over Sollux's shoulder and saw the giant golem that once was Gamzee. He prayed that Cory was safe, wherever he was.

The scenery was painted in various colors, which appeared to be troll blood. A bit of maroon here, a bit of olive there. Fushia trees, cobalt grass. It was all a mess from the clown's minions, who shot troll blood out of the flowers on their chests. The pavement was flooded with blood, swirling into disgusting mixtures that birthed out more clowns. The fear struck Shrek, as he saw that Chipotle was infested with clown monsters. The hoverboard swerved as a carnival ride shot up out of the ground.

"SHIT!" Gendo yelled from Shrek's belt, "He's advancing quicker than I thought!" The hoverboard came to a halt at Skaia high. The Grand Highblood's foot was about to crush the very corner of the establishment- Gendo's classroom. Shrieks of horror came from Shrek's lower body.

"2TOP RIIGHT THERE A22HOLE!" Sollux threw a dildo at the Grand Highblood and hit him in the shin. The gargantuan beast turned around and swiftly punted Sollux into the air.

"OH MY GOD SOLLUX!" Shrek yelled, as he watched his friend ollie on his penis hoverboard. Sollux summoned a phallic lance and zipped past the Grand Highblood, severing his right arm.

"HAHA YOU PIIECE OF 2HIIT!" Sollux yelled, for he felt so alive. The Grand Highblood did a left swing and that was the end of it, Solllux was falling 50 ft down.

'NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Shrek screamed as he jumped and grabbed his friend, who knocked him to the ground. Yellow blood covered both of the boys.

"Haha you look like you're covered in piss," Gendo said as he took a picture for his various social media, "haha fucking idiots."

"2hrek *COUGH* II..." Sollux said, "II'm 2o glad."

"Glad for what, ol' buddy." Shrek's tears were diluting the blood covering both his face and Sollux's chest.

"II'm glad.... II get to touch Aradiia'2 2weet a22." Sollux spat up a ton of blood and Gendo took another snapshot, "Tell Karkat, that... II love hiiim. and hii2 2exy booty..." and Sollux stopped breathing. Shrek was filled with rage, he walked over to Sollux's dildo lance and charged to the Grand Highblood.

"HEY ASSHOLE, WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?" Shrek asked, and he got no response besides a terrifying glare, "T-to fuck you up... I'm the chicken if you didn't realize already..." The Witch slammed his arm against the bloody ground and shot Shrek up into the air like he was on the teeter totter with an elephant. The Ogre came face to face with the Grand Highblood and stabbed his lance into the beast's forehead. The witch's head popped into a gush of blood and shot Shrek back, he caught sight of Gamzee and Tavros piloting the witch. It didn't matter though, soon Shrek will be part of the fucked up art exhibit this barrier created. His blood will paint the streets.

Just as Shrek was about to hit the pavement, someone caught him, put him down and then ran off again. Shrek could barely process this as he witnessed the same figure shoot Gamzee dead, killing the witch. Her long scarf flew in the shockwave that the decaying barrier gave off. She walked over to the grief seed, scaring away Tavro, who was not part of the witch. The girl studied the grief seed, chuckled, and then threw it at Shrek.

"Yes, I remember you." It was Roxy Lalonde. Before Shrek could say a word to her, she ran off.

"Oh wow GODdamn." Gendo said as he was eating popcorn, "My snapchat story is HELLA popular, thanks Shrek!" Shrek looked to the side, where Sollux's body lay.

"Gendogre, I think Sollux is dead."

"No he's not, he's just being an over dramatic shit idiot. Go tap him and you'll see what I mean." Shrek walked over and nudged Sollux. To Gendo's expectance, the yellow blood smirked.

* * *

The next week was pretty simple: Shrek gave Karkat some space to hang out with Cory and Sollux (whom he returned the copy of Smash Bros he borrowed) and took the time off to collect shards of Eridan's soul gem after school. Tavros announced that he was switching schools during 6th period, even though he never attended this one in the first place. Shrek saw Roxy around school a lot, but never had the time or place to talk to her. Roxy hung around popular upperclassmen trolls, there's no way Shrek could talk to her around them. After a short time passed he found out that she and his best friend from middle school were cousins, which Shrek thought was pretty neat.

All this came to and end though, all when Shrek made one horrible, horrible mistake.

* * *

Shrek was using a special mineral detector he received from Gendo to find shards of Eridan's soul gem. He'd obtained around 3/4th's of the soul gem, and didn't expect to find anymore.

"Look, kid." Gendo said emphatically for once. "Maybe some of the shards washed away into the ocean." Shrek stayed silent, sitting with his arms around his knees, watching the sunset. "I mean, Shrek, you've been really asocial lately, I even came here in person." Shrek turned around and saw his incubator. Gendo crouched and sat next to Shrek. His hand shook Shrek's shoulder in a fatherly way. Then Shrek thought of his father, on the onion fields. Did he really get a clear view of what happened? Was his dad really gone? Who was his dad?

"Shrek would you kindly stop crying?"

"Shit," Shrek sniffeled, "Sorry Gendogre."

"Don't worry about it, being meguca IS suffering after all." The middle aged man chuckled, "You'll be fine my boy, time heals all wounds."

"But both Dave and Aradia are dead..."

"Haha, Shreky boy, that's not the time I'm talking about." Gendo leaned in and pressed his index finger on Shrek's heart, "I'm talking about the time in here." Gendo sat up and brushed the sand off his pants. "Whelp, I'll be taking my leave." Gendo walked about 4 feet away, when Shrek remembered something very important.

"WAIT! Gendogre! You forgot to say no homo!"

"There's nothing gay about caring!" Shrek smiled, he now felt at home.

 Shrek got up and started searching the beach for more shards of Eridan's soul gem, but to no avail.

"Hey!" Shrek turned around, it was- "What do you have there?" Roxy ran over and studied the purple glowing gem in Shrek's hand.

"What are you-" Shrek said as Roxy lifted up a giant piece of Eridan, enough to complete the Soul Gem. Without a word they combined the gem, both of their eyes widening in awe.

"The perfect wizard, come to life." Roxy had a hopeful tone. The gem glowed in their hands, nothing else.

"Well that was very uneventful." Shrek looked down at his feet, Eridan really WAS gone forever.

"I'll say," Roxy scoffed, "Thought I was finally going to have someone to talk to about witchcraft." Suddenly, a hand popped out of the sand and flipped Shrek off. A muffled voice came from the sand. Roxy's eyes lit up and she smiled like a little girl on Christmas. She bent down and placed the soul gem into the hand, and the hand gave it a nice squeeze. A sonic boom blasted back Shrek and Roxy and out came a wavy horned troll wearing a disco-esque suit. He looked around, studying his surroundings carefully. The troll looked down at Shrek and Roxy perplexed.

"Wwoah... Wwhere the fuck is the wwitch and wwho's the bitch Shre?" Eridan said.

"Eridan, I hate to break it to you but it's been almost a year since that witch came here." Shrek informed Eridan, who looked like he just pissed out a grandma-sized diamond, "You were dead."

"No I wwasn't." Eridan lifted his head up, "I wwas just takin a nap. No wwho's the bitch?"

"I'm Roxy." She seemed to be extremely disinterested in ever communicating with Eridan again, "Anyways I gotta go Shrek."

"Wait! Tell Rose I said hi." Shrek wished he'd left Eridan dead for a little longer.

"Oh I will," Roxy glared at Eridan, "Goodbye Shrek." She got up and practically disappeared.

"Wwoww, wwhat's her problem?" Eridan scoffed.

"Her problem is you're a fucking douchebag." Shrek was surprised at the anger coming out his mouth, he barely even knew Roxy.

"No I'm not!' Eridan stomped off the beach, and Shrek for once, was glad to be alone. He lay on the beach watching the stars. A few of the stars made a shape that looked very similar to Sollux's bare butthole, which he'd rather forget but couldn't. Shrek closed his eyes and fell asleep, hoping that he'd feel this good tomorrow.

* * *

There was one thing Shrek could see: Red smoke. Shrek was desperately looking for his father, who had just peeled the tenth later of the onion. The monster that had attacked him, whatever it was, had fled the Onion Fields.

"Father!" Shrek was frantically digging through onions, "Father!!!!!!" Tears streamed down his face, would he never get a chance to talk scene with his dad? He searched and searched until all the smoke thinned. There was nothing other than him and thousands of onions. He sat down and put his face in his hands. Shrek was weeping both from the onions and the loss of his father. There was just no way this had happened, how could he peel back the tenth layer? Every ogre knew that would have an unkown effect. Shrek looked up at the stars, and saw a constellation that looked like an arrow, pointing north. He wiped his face and stood up to follow the arrow. Countless onions passed Shrek, seemingly growing bigger as he moved on by. Shrek began to feel weak, almost as if gravity was getting stronger. Just as he was about to pass out, he tripped.

"Oh!" Shrek obtained a face full of dirt, "WHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHY!" Tears came out again, supplying the onions with nutrition. He turned to the side, for he was unable to get up and decided to close his eyes. Before they were fully shut however, he saw a glistening something in the distance.

That didn't matter to Shrek at the time, he was tired.

* * *

 

Shrek awoke at home in his bed, and his first thought was Eridan. Maybe it was just a dream, Shrek thought, maybe he isn't alive again. Shrek pushed off his covers and started getting dressed, wondering how far his dream stretched. He buckled his belt and walked to his kitchen.

"GOOD MORNING SHREK." Karkat said while flipping pancakes, "YOU'RE JUST IN TIME!" Sollux and Cory were arm wrestling at the table. Karkat brushed off his apron and placed some good ol' pancakes on the table. He looked Shrek deep in the eyes and lost his smile, "WHAT'S WRONG ASSHOLE?"

"I..." Shrek thought about Eridan.

"YES?"

"I-I, Uh, Never mind." Shrek sat down and put two pancakes on his plate.

"There'2 gotta be 2omtehiing 2hrek." Sollux managed out as he was owned in arm wrestling.

"YEAH, WHAT'S WRONG SHREK?"

"It's really nothing," Shrek took a bite out of the fat pancake, "drop it." Sollux gave Shrek a grin from the other side of the table.

"Ooooooooooooh II thiink II know what you're talking about 2hrek."

"What?" Shrek started sweating, could he really know?"

"II 2aw you on the beach ye2terday..." Shit, he knows.

"What are you talking about?" Shrek looked to the side and saw Karkat.

"SHREK, DON'T HIDE THINGS FROM ME WHAT HAPPENED?" Karkat had an expression bordering on anger and worry.

"You'll be able to handle it, right?" Shrek sighed, all three of them would find out eventually."

"YES."

"Ye2, II already know anyway2.~"

"Oui."

"Okay," Shrek took in a deep breath, "Roxy Lalonde-"

"You guy2 had 2ex." Sollux was giggling like the little asshole he was.

"No, we didn't," Shrek put his face in his palm, "we brought Eridan back to life." The whole room went silent.

"Qui est Eridan?" Cory asked innocently, "Qui est-il?"

"I HOPE YOU'RE CALLING HIM A DOUCHE," Karkat punched the wall where Donkey had died via onion projectiles, "SHREK HOW COULD YOU?"

"I missed him Brogre..." Shrek said, "He had good in him, I promise."

"THERE'S NO GOOD IN ERIDAN AMPORA," Karkat was on the verge of tears, "HE BROKE UP WITH ME, AND SAID I FELT MORE LIKE A BROTHER TO HIM."

"Wow KK II can't beliieve you're not over hiim."

"I LOVED HIM."

"And II love big tiitiie2."

"ERIDAN IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN ANY TITTY." The entire atmosphere of the room changed, and so did the size of Sollux's nipples. His mouth wide open and his nipples bite-sized, Sollux felt the rage come over him. He stood up and locked eyes with the apron wearing crabfuck.

"MAYBE HE WOULDN'T HAVE BROKEN UP WIITH YOU IIF YOU HADN'T BEEN 2O CLIINGLY!"

"I WASN'T CLINGLY! I GAVE HIM SPACE, ALL THE SPACE IN THE WORLD!"

"NO YOU DIIDN'T, DIID YOU EVER THIINK ABOUT ME KK?"

"SOLLUX..."

"YOU NEVER THIINK ABOUT ANYONE, BE2IIDE ED AND GERARD WAY." Sollux grabbed Karkat by the shoulders, "KK... II LOVE YOU 2O MUCH, NO HOMO."

"I LOVE YOU TOO SOLLUX, NO HOMO." and the bros did the full hug. The no homo hug.

"Wow holy fuck," Gendo had just popped out of Shrek's onion belt, "that was fun to watch. Almost ran out of pocooooooooorn."

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING ASSHOLE?" Karkat pushed Sollux off and blushed.

"Oh, I'm just here to tell you about the news on Meenah but I guess you don't want it." Gendo looked at Karkat, who was redder than an asshole after a big large bad dragon dildo is inserted into it

"ACTUALLY WE DO." Karkat pleaded, "I'M SORRY GENDO."

"Do you now?" Gendo appeared amused.

"YESSSSSSS, JUST TELL US!"

"Well, apparently Roxy kidnapped Tavros and got all sorts of secrets Meenah desperately wanted to keep." Gendo pulled a VHS cassette out of his pants, "Watch for yourself." Gendo slid the tape into the VHS. First came static, then came Tavros tied to a chair in a dark room. A harsh, bright light was shined directly into his face. A soft, low-pitched feminine voice then exploded into the atmosphere:

"Tell me, what does Meenah want!"

Tavros flinched at the sound, "i DON'T KNOW,,, i'M SORRY." A slice of raw meat hit Tavros clean in the face.

"Tell me."

"nO,,, sHE'LL HURT ME." Another, bigger, slice of meat hit Tavros in the face.

"Uh Gendo, are you 2ure thii2 ii2 the viideo you wanted to 2how u2..."

"Shhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We're getting to the good part." An entire bull leg hit Tavros in the face.

"wHY ARE YOU DOING THIS,,," Tavros was crying, "iT WAS MEENAH'S FAULT..."

"What was?"

"tHE INCIDENT,,, aT THE ONION FIELDS,,," Everyone was looking at Shrek, even Shrek was looking at Shrek for Sollux was holding up a tiny mirror infront of his eyes.

"What did she do?"

"sHE WAS LOOKING FOR,,, hIM,,," Tavros coughed, "tHE MAGICAL GIRL WHO WOULD BECOME THE STRONGEST WITCH,,,"

"I see."

"nO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND,,," Tavros was then hit with an entire bull, which knocked him over. The tape then cut out. The room was silent, so silent you could hear the ants crawling in the swamp outside. Shrek stared into his reflection, weeping.

"Gendo," Shrek let out a shaky breath, "is there something you would like to tell me?" Gendo wouldn't look at Shrek, he instead fiddled with his thumbs. The man looked down and sighed.

"Your father was my first magical girl."


	6. This is (not) the Finale

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The boys and Roxy prepare to confront Meenah.

Shrek and Karkat waited in a dimly lit cafe at nine in the morning, waiting for Eridan to come over and have a chat with them. Shrek knew Karkat's stance on this was firm, and that he doesn't want anything to do with Eridan. Too bad for him though, for the hipster fish had already entered the premises. Shrek waved to him, brandishing a caramel cappuccino he'd purchased for Eridan. He approached them in a holier than thou way, shaking his hips like he was in a pop music video.

"Hey Shre," Eridan cocked a smile, "Hey Kar." He sat down adjacent to them and put his hands on the table. "Wwhat's up wwith you?"

* * *

 

"So, wwhat you're saying is that Meenah is a wwitch." Eridan looked up from his coffee and into Shrek's eyes, "Wwell, it's not like I didn't expect this." The fish boy stretched in the cafe chair, and looked out the window.

"Yes, and we need your help." Shrek leaned across the table, "You know the Peixeses better than us." Karkat, sitting next to the ogre boy, rolled his eyes.

"True, true." Eridan lifted his chin up, "I knoww a good hidin spot wwhere she and her consorts may be, and I'll tell you on one condition." Eridan winked.

"Anything, just anything." Shrek said, and a sick grin painted Eridan's face.

"I get to be in your Magical Girl squad."

"HEY," Karkat blurted out, "YOU'RE PART OF FARQUAD'S DIVISION. YOU DON'T BELONG IN OUR SQUAD." Eridan bounced back a little.

"Wwell I guess findin Meenah and avvengin Shre's father isn't important to you noww, is it Karkat?" Eridan showed signs of slight agitation. Karkat cooled off and looked down, mumbling to himself. "Besides Kar, isn't the requirements for Gendo's divvision to havve at least a 2.0? Sol was held back a grade." Eridan shrugged, "Either you take Sol out, or let me join."

"It's really not for us to decide, lemme call up Gendo." Shrek pressed a button on his onion belt, and a holographic projection of Gendo playing Call of Duty: Futuristic Dog Wafare with Cory and Sollux flashed above the cafe table. Gendo flinched the moment he saw he was in a projection.

"Shrek, what's wrong now?" Gendo moved his headset in a way that it exposed his left ear.

"Eridan wants to join our magical girl squad. Do you approve?"

"Yeah, sure," Gendo turned back to the tv screen, "whatever. Listen, I need to pwn these noobs. Bye Shrek." The hologram faded.

"So I'm in," Eridan smirked once again, "wwell, time's a wwastin, let's go and fight Meenah."

* * *

 

When Shrek returned home to pick up Sollux and Cory, he saw that Gendo was passed out on the floor. A huge dick was drawn across his face. Sollux and Cory sat next to him, giggling.

"THE SHREK IS THIS?" Shrek yelled, and both boys looked up at him in shame.

"2orry 2hrek, got carriied away." Sollux chuckled some more.

"DIDN'T YOU GET MY TEXT?" Shrek yelled, "YOU NEED TO BE READY NOW, WE'RE GOING TO DEFEAT MEENAH ONCE AND FOR ALL." Shrek grabbed Sollux by his arms and dragged him outside, practically throwing him into Karkat's arms. Shrek did the same with Cory, but more gentle considering Cory is more pure than Sollux and doesn't deserve to be treated like rotten ham. Shrek wet down a washcloth and attempted to wipe the sizable penis off of Gendo's face. He got around 3/4's of the way done before he gave up. Sollux had used Sharpie. Shrek stomped outside, feeling ambition pulse through him.

"SHREK... ARE YOU SURE WE SHOULD BE ATTACKING HER SO EARLY?" Karkat asked as he nearly collapsed under the weight of Sollux.

"You can put me down KK." Sollux said, and Karkat complied.

"WE SHOULD WAIT, UNTIL WE HAVE MORE INFORMATION ON MEENAH." Karkat cried out, "PLEASE SHREK, THIS IS HASTY!" Shrek sighed, and looked over at Eridan.

"Where to?" Shrek asked.

"It's at those onion fields." Eridan pointed towards Shrek's old habitat.

"Thank you Eridan." Shrek took in a deep breath, "Alright, let's go." He stomped on, leaving his moirail full of worry. Shrek wouldn't listen at all, not once on their expedition to Onion Fields. Karkat felt his soul gem get a bit darker than usual.  
 

 


	7. This is (Hopefully) the Finale

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shrek finally finds out what REALLY happened at the Onion Fields

Shrek charged on while Karkat teared up. Was he really going down this path? After all the ups and downs, and the highs and lows, Shrek was making an irrational decision in Karkat's eyes. Meenah, a possible ultra witch who can decimate the world in seconds, was not to be fucked with. The onion fields stretched a long ways, longer than Shrek remembered. Either they had gotten lost or the fields had grown, but everywhere was onions.

"Wwhere are we?" Eridan asked while looking from side to side. "Shre, are you sure this was a good idea?" Shrek was unresponsive.

"J'ai peur..." Cory shook with tears in his eyes, "Je partais mon chez un jour et je s'est perdu en un champ." Karkat hugged Cory and Sollux followed suit. Suddenly, a noise came out of the distance. Quiet, muffled footsteps with a dragging noise from the north. The whole squad froze in fear as Meenah Peixes appeared before them faster than they could comprehend.

"Sup Hoes." Meenah closed her eyes and took in a deep breath, "Guess this is it? This is the last time I'll see you guys?" Meenah formed a magic trident using her magical girl powers. She slashed at the air and spun, donning a fish fursuit. "Fuckers." Meenah charged at Karkat, who was frozen in fear. Sollux pushed him out of the way and ducked backwards. Roxy, already in her magical girl outfit pounced on Meenah and tried to target the soul gem located on her neck. Shrek began his transformation, onions flew through the air and hit everyone in a 20 mile radius. Cory had been struck right in the stomach and had been knocked out cold. Another one had managed to take out a few of Meenah's teeth.

"You fuckin' shit heads..." Meenah spat out her teeth, "You don't even understand why I'm doing this." She erected a giant trident made of onion roots from the ground and grabbed it. Meenah masterfully twisted it and tossed it at Shrek. Shrek knew it was going to his soul gem, and there was nothing he could do about it. He waited for the strike, and waited. Yet when Shrek opened his eyes, it wasn't him who took the blow. Karkat stood with onion piercing him, his soul gem pitch black. Karkat turned around and looked Shrek in his eyes.

"SHREK... I DIDN'T EVER TELL YOU BUT-" Karkat cringed as Meenah jammed her spear deeper into Karkat. "I LOVE YOU..." Karkat fell to the ground. Shrek's eyes watered, from both Karkat and the onions. His eyes turned redder than Karkat's blood, and Meenah backed up in fear. Nobody moved a muscle, nobody made a sound. Shrek grabbed the trident out of Karkat and approached Meenah, tears streaking down his face.

"That's enough." A voice came from the distance. A man of short stature was there, holding a grief seed.

"FUCKWAD W)-(Y T)-(-E FUCK DID IT TAK-E YOU SO LONG TO G-ET )-(-ER-E!" Meenah panicked, "JUST R-EL-EAS-E )-(-ER!" Shrek lowered his weapon. Was Meenah not the witch?

"Shrek, Shrek, Shrek," Farquad walked around Karkat's body. "Do you know where you and your friends are?" Sollux held Cory, and Roxy had an angry expression. "Do you remember that one girl? The one who hit me with a spork?"

"N-no..." Shrek shook. "Not her..." Farqaud grinned.

"This is her." Farqaud lifted up the grief seed and it burst into a horrible mass of darkness, releasing the witch who killed Shrek's father. Jane Crocker. The grotesque slug monster contorted out of the small space, expanding and revealing trident like arms and flowing hair. Jane floated above the scene, scanning the area with her giant eyes. "You're in her barrier, the tenth layer." Jane dived down and Shrek ran towards his friends, frantically trying to take out his onion shield. A high pitched shriek emitted from behind, causing Shrek to fall. Farquad was being consumed by Jane. Farquad's arms reached out from the mouth of the slug monster, and he managed to pull himself out, if only for a moment. "CORN. WILL. RISE. AGAIN!!!!!!!" Farquad screeched as he became one with the witch. Jane started to transform, growing giant malformed arms and legs. Six on each side. Shrek lay on the ground, helpless. There was no way out of this. His life, was ogre. Shrek closed his eyes and thought of his moirail. A comforting darkness coated the area. Shrek had accepted that this may be the end.

Out of the pure silence, an angel's voice came:

"YOU'LL NEVER MAKE ME LEAVE!" It was... "I WEAR THIS ON MY SLEEVE!" Gerard Way... "GIVE ME A REASON TO BELIEVE!" Shrek turned his head to the voice, Karkat, overtaken by his grief, had become Gerard Way. The voice caused Jane to recede just enough for Shrek to escape and approach the good witch. Every lyric seemed to resonate strongly with her. Meenah, on the other hand, passed out at the very first note.

"KEEP SINGING KARKAT IT'S WORKING!" Shrek teared up, and Gerarkat upped his volume.

"YOU'RE RUNNING AFTER SOMETHING THAT YOU'LL NEVER KILL!" Cory felt something after hearing this lyric, something deep inside him came back.

"NOTHING FEELS BETTER THAN FEELING THE LOOOOOOOOOOVE!" Cory sung in a very offbeat tune, his happiness turned his soul gem white, and he felt himself fading. Shrek had no time to react, he had to keep this going.

"ERIDAN THINK OF SOMETHING SAD!" Shrek yelled to the emo fish boy, but it had already happened, Mikey Way was already on the bass.

"IF THIS IS WHAT YOU WANT THEN FIRE. AT. WIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIILL!" Jane was slowly becoming human again, "PREACH ALL YOU WANT BUT WHO'S GONNA SAVE ME!" Jane was now 100 times smaller than she was in witch form. "I KEEP A GUN IN THE BOOK YOU GAVE ME!" Roxy ran to Jane and held her in her hands. Sollux lifted his soul gem into the air and thought deeply about how he'll never see Aradia's sweet ass again. In a flash of light, a bootleg Frank IIero appeared.

"HALLELUJAH LOCK AND LOAD!" Shrek thought of his father, on the onion fields. He was jamming, jamming to Gerard Way, jamming to Frank Iero, jamming jamming jamming. and as Gerarkat's voice pierced through the sadness that bound Jane to her witch form, he finally knew what the tenth layer was. The tenth layer, was friendship.

"Janey, it's me, Roxy." Roxy tightened her grip around the eldritch monster that was once her best friend. Frank IIero started the guitar riff to the Sharpest Lives as Jane attempted to thrash out of the magical girl's arms. "Janey..." Roxy teared up, she knew what she had to do. Roxy took her soul gem and pressed it against Jane, absorbing her greif. Shrek looked on as Roxy's soul gem went pitch black. She cupped her soul gem tightly in her hand.

"ROXY NOOOO!" Shrek cried out, but it was too late. Roxy had ruined her soul gem to save Jane. The music stopped. Meenah's body stirred on the ground.

"h-huh..." Meenah looked up to be greeted by giant bootleg versions of half of My Chemical Romance, and proceeded to pass out yet again.

"UMMMMM SOME HELP HERE!" Cory shouted, and Shrek turned around to see his friend fading away.

"CORY!" Shrek ran over to the boy, attempting to hug him but phasing right through, "NOT YOU TOO."

"I have to go Shrek," Tears streaked out of Cory's eyes, "I spoke in english. I was bound to the future by speaking french."

"N-no," Shrek was weeping, "nooo..." Shrek fell to his knees.

"Shrek, can you feel it?" Cory whispered, "Can you feel the love?"

"N-nothing feels better..." Shrek bawled out, "Than feeling the loooove." Cory started to become intangible to the naked eye.

"Shrek, this was the best year of my life..." Cory was calm with a touch of somber, "I'll miss you and Karkat and Sollux and even Gendo." Cory was nothing but a voice now, "Goodbye, my time here, is ogre." Shrek cupped his hands over his eyes and shook. Shrek thought of all the good times he and Cory had. He was weeping, weeping with sadness of all the happiness he will never see again. As Gerard Way's hand patted his back, he knew at last what he must do. Shrek must confront the witch that killed his father.

* * *

 

Jane was entangled in Roxy's lifeless arms, unconscious.

"Asleep... or dead?" Gerarkat asked. Shrek dropped to his knees and touched his fingers to Jane's neck. A weak pulse came out.

"Asleep." Shrek looked up at Gerarkat Van Way. The witch pried Jane out of Roxy's arms.

"I am not afraid to keep on living..." Gerarkat soothed the former witch, "I am not afraid to walk this world alone..." Jane started to stir. Shrek noticed she hadn't aged since that time she fended off those boys.

"H-honey, if you stay, I'll be forgiven." Jane managed out, "Nothing you could say could stop me going home..." Jane's eyes opened to what she thought was Gerard Way. "H-HOLY SHIT." Jane thrashed out of Gerarkat's arms and onto the corpse of her best friend. "R-ROXY, ROXY ARE YOU OKAY?" Jane shook Roxy, "WHAT DID YOU DO TO HER, YOU GODDAMN... you goddamn." Jane looked up at the two figures looking down at her. "Why..."

"Her time here is ogre Jane." Shrek said, "She wanted to save you like you saved me."

"But, did she at least graduate middle school? She was held back three years for having a drinking problem."

"She was a senior this year." Shrek said and Jane's eyes watered.

"I'm proud of you, Roxy." Jane brushed back Roxy's hair, "so very proud."

The sky progressed into a wistful wash of cyan, the comforting beams of the sun disposed of a tingling sense that can only resonate within the outer layer of skin. Shrek stretched his arms to the sky, and warm tears of what could only be described as pure unfiltered joy streaked down his face.

Shrek thought of his father, standing where he stood now. He was weeping, weeping with onions, weeping weeping weeping. And as Gerarkat, Franklux and Mikeydan disappeared into the distance, he knew at last what the tenth layer was. The tenth layer was not him, but the friends he made along the way. Shrek knew now, that his journey was ogre.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't believe I actually finished this


End file.
